The Spurious Chronicle

There Is No Satire

The Spurious Chronicle is deeply saddened to announce that, for this year's April edition, readers will be unable to find their usual piece of satire. In the last few months, though the team of 42 hyperintelligent Dolphins behind your monthly allowance of alternative facts has always strived diligently to deliver, the rapid rate at which the Reality column of our age-old competitor, 'The BabylOnion', has shamelessly stolen their hard work has proven too great to overcome without casualty. As many faithful readers are no doubt already aware, the recent ill-fated 'Great Finnish Fish Heist' has left 35 of our discerning Delphinidaean writers imprisoned in a Finnish penitentiary as they await trial, while our other staff have done their duty in pleading ignorance to investigators over the whereabouts of the remaining 7. "It's Not Like We Wanted To Filch Those Fish From That Faultless Financier, Or Anyfing," explained Dolphin twins Arthur and Dent, who spoke to our head office in alternating turns shortly after being booked, "But We Simply Feared Being Fired For Failing To Forward Enuff Fantastical Writing To Overcome Reality's Blantant Plagiarism, And Wanted A Backup Plan In Case We Were Fired."

 

The heist, which involved an elaborate sequence of convincing disguises, convenient timing, and an escape route through a nearby Dolphin sanctuary, would have gone off without a hitch, had the crew not had the misfortune of being tracked down via the acute sense of smell of a psychotic French Redhead; even the banana cannon (manned by a small crew of Monkeys) they had brought in as a backup wasn't enough to deter the olfactory omen in the end. So, while the rest of us at the Spurious Chronicle totally, definitely​​​ don't plan a breakout for the brave 35 so illegally locked up, our usual readers will have to forgive us for the lack of satirical content in this month's edition. As tough as it is to accept, we are entirely, 100% serious about all this.

Santa Claus Canonised As Patron Saint Of Burglars

The 4th-century Greek bishop Nicholas, whose actions went on to inspire the modern-day Santa Claus, was officially canonised as a Saint by the Vatican this last Sunday. The rub? In addition to his patron-saintage of archers, merchants, and sailors among others, the Catholic Church has decreed that to match his modern image, he would also become the patron of burglars worldwide. "The Wonderworker of Myra embodied each and every value a true Christian official should possess throughout their life, minus a fondness for altar boys, and it is about time he was properly recognised for his holy nature," declared Pope Francis from his studio window in the centre of Rome, seemingly having remembered to don his papal mitre while having forgotten his matching robes, wearing a dirty tank top in its stead. "However, just as a man set before God is seen in whole before His Judgement is cast, his sainthood must similarly reflect the whole of his earthly contributions; therefore, it is by God's will alone that, with his divine skill in breaking and entering, the patronage of Saint Nicholas shall grow to also include house-burglars, forevermore." Naturally, the news that Kris Kringle was now technically a felon under international law was hard for parents across the globe to break, to children and their mannish counterparts alike. "Buh-buh-but Mommy told me Santy Caus was nice, an' brouwt da prezzies, n' stuff!" wails xXx_g4m3r_b0y_360_xXx as he stands heartbroken in the midst of his Fortnite match, the astoundingly poor quality of his microphone making it a challenge to tell whether he's 13 or 30. "Honestly, I kinda got that kinda vibe from him all along, so I'm glad our perspective's finally being accepted," notes prominent thief Paul Sernine, speaking to us in an exclusive interview while stuffing a top hat, a monacle, and a gentleman's cane into his looting-bag as he rifles through yet another of his victims' houses. "I mean, we both invite ourselves unannounced, we usually do so while everyone else is sleeping, and by the time they wake up and enter the living room all surprised-like, we're already long gone; what's really so different between the two of us?" Most surprising of all, however, were the reactions from the two Nicks themselves; countless Christmas-decorated shopfronts were all but annihilated in heavenly-gold beams of destruction less than 24 hours after the Vatican's announcement, and in seeming retaliation, numerous churches and tombs dedicated to the Saint were found similarly vandalised with only tinsel and peppermint fragments left behind as clues, which all just begs the question; is a War of the Wonderworkers on the horizon? Fear not, dear readers, because we at the Spurious Chronicle won't stop until we've carved this roast beast of a story for all Who-manity's sake.

Congress To Auction DC As An NFT To Pay Off Foreign Debt

Following weeks of tense negotiations between America's politicians regarding avenues of action on the nation's mounting foreign debt, Congress believes it has finally reached a consensus; listing the entirety of DC, its people and infrastructure included, as an NFT in order to raise funds to foot the bill. "We understand that this decision may not enjoy the full support of the public," spoke Virginia governor Ralph Northam at a press conference held in a yacht slowly floating down the Potomac, as crews began preparations to physically saw the district away from the land around it, "but desperate times call for desperate measures, and the way we see it, we'll be getting a hell of a lot of money for giving away what's essentially worthless." Naturally, opinions surrounding the issue are fiercely divided, and even more so in the NF-To-Be as its residents are split on the values of being commodified and exchanged just to change one number to another. "Why the hell does this even need discussion?! Surely there's another way to pay the debt off, other than getting into this... this moronic blockchain nonsense!" opined local loon Sanny Tee, in the midst of being stuffed into a straightjacket and wheeled away. "I like duh en-eff-tee, 'cuz duh green nummer go up, yaaaaay!" retorted NTF aficionado Voltr Ottel, before sending his crypto wallet key to an incredibly reputable Nigerian prince promising a tenfold return on investment. Though some vocal opponents of the measure questioned where next Congress would convene, if the district of nearly 700 thousand and the nation's most recognisable landmarks were to be pawned off for some quick cash, a wayward suggestion coming from under one of the janitors' breath offered a novel solution which ultimately satisfied both sides; from now on, US Representatives will all get on the same wooden raft and paddle out into the Atlantic Ocean, with no provisions or outside contact, so that they have all the space they could ever need to manifest their flawless policy proposals through mental energy alone.