The Spurious Chronicle

There Is No Satire

The Spurious Chronicle is deeply saddened to announce that, for this year's April edition, readers will be unable to find their usual piece of satire. In the last few months, though the team of 42 hyperintelligent Dolphins behind your monthly allowance of alternative facts has always strived diligently to deliver, the rapid rate at which the Reality column of our age-old competitor, 'The BabylOnion', has shamelessly stolen their hard work has proven too great to overcome without casualty. As many faithful readers are no doubt already aware, the recent ill-fated 'Great Finnish Fish Heist' has left 35 of our discerning Delphinidaean writers imprisoned in a Finnish penitentiary as they await trial, while our other staff have done their duty in pleading ignorance to investigators over the whereabouts of the remaining 7. "It's Not Like We Wanted To Filch Those Fish From That Faultless Financier, Or Anyfing," explained Dolphin twins Arthur and Dent, who spoke to our head office in alternating turns shortly after being booked, "But We Simply Feared Being Fired For Failing To Forward Enuff Fantastical Writing To Overcome Reality's Blantant Plagiarism, And Wanted A Backup Plan In Case We Were Fired."

 

The heist, which involved an elaborate sequence of convincing disguises, convenient timing, and an escape route through a nearby Dolphin sanctuary, would have gone off without a hitch, had the crew not had the misfortune of being tracked down via the acute sense of smell of a psychotic French Redhead; even the banana cannon (manned by a small crew of Monkeys) they had brought in as a backup wasn't enough to deter the olfactory omen in the end. So, while the rest of us at the Spurious Chronicle totally, definitely​​​ don't plan a breakout for the brave 35 so illegally locked up, our usual readers will have to forgive us for the lack of satirical content in this month's edition. As tough as it is to accept, we are entirely, 100% serious about all this.

Local Yokel Oversleeps, Ruins Post-Apocalyptic Fun For Everyone

3 billion human lives ended on September 26th, 2021, and the Spurian survivors of the nuclear fire called this war, “Judgement Day”. They lived not to face the nightmare of a war against the Machines, but instead, the frustration with the sheer incompetence of the one man who had so cruelly denied them their dreams of righteous wasteland warriorhood. Max Obermayr, Bossman of Activating WMDs (BAW) for the Corporate Territories of Spurio, had previously been tasked with ensuring total launch preparedness for itself in light of national commitments made to the Horsemen Of The Apocalypse alliance just days before. Despite having coordinated full communication integration with fellow HOTA launch coordinators not long after the announcement of cooperation had been sent throughout the world, what has since been confirmed as a strenuous late-night bug fixing session caused Obermayr to fall asleep at his desk, not waking up again until after the last of the warheads had fallen everywhere but Spurian soil. "I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I’m simply here to apologise. What happened in my room that night was obviously unplanned," said Obermayr in a prepared statement through an associate as he remains hidden from public backlash, "The results you saw are more than apparent; skin-tight-leather-suit-wearing maniacs wielding flamethrower guitars were completely off the menu. I still don’t really know how to react or how to feel. I should have never tried coding with C. I should have shut the compiler down and paid full attention to the doomsday clock as it ticked towards spectacular radioactive oblivion, my finger hovering right over the enticingly pressable big red button."

While CEO Lange Peet should theoretically have full and immediate access to Spurio's awesome tools of complete and utter destruction, a restrictive law passed in a time when the apocalypse wasn't nearly as cool means that the CEO and the Spurian BAW need to initialise the system simultaneously for any missiles to start flying, a system which was predicted for some time to have the potential to reduce the total explosive tonnage expunged in a given nuclear exchange. "What we saw last week was an unacceptable breach in procedure, which unjustly stopped ICBMs from leaving and entering the country as they saw fit, and it's something this administration will always strive to never repeat," Peet stated at a press conference less than an hour ago, where he was seen whipping an already incensed crowd into a frothing frenzy as he promised painful retribution against Obermayr and his entire bloodline for his misdeeds. "The right of every Spurian citizen to partake in hellish, over-the-top action sequences in which the main characters look inexplicably clean and well-groomed, despite having lived their lives since the big kaboom without functioning plumbing, or even a hairbrush, should always be enforced, no matter the administration, and no matter the level of sacrifice needed to maintain it." While the disgraced BAW is busy being hunted to the ends of the now-irradiated Earth, a brief spate of luck appears to have struck Spurio yet in the form of a competent replacement, Mayr Obermax, who looks a lot like Obermayr now that we think about it, but he has a big, bushy moustache which doesn't match his hair colour, a comically thick and rubbery nose, and a set of glasses with no lenses in them, so it obviously can't be him. Over here at the Spurious Chronicle, our Journalistic Analysis Wing has pledged its full investigative powers towards tracking this dangerous criminal down, with the express hope that our JAW will have the BAW in its possession as soon as possible, in order to achieve a fundamentally less safe Spurio for all.

World's Famous Landmarks, Major Cities To Go Into Hiding After Ominous Music Starts Playing

In a coordinated press statement conducted by NATO, CSTO, and SCO diplomats just moments ago, it was confirmed that the landmarks, cities, and geography of the world were in the process of being secured through removal and obfuscation in direct response to the foreboding music which, since its sudden appearance less than half an hour ago, has been steadily increasing in intensity as some unseen disaster likely readies itself to strike. “Plans to preserve and protect our most recognisable locations have been in place ever since 2012- the movie, mind you, not the year -and that preparation has now allowed us to act decisively and efficiently,” noted US Secretary of State Antony Blinken as he made sure his fingers were still entwined with one another. “Had we not anticipated a slow-building orchestral score coming from nowhere in particular as a sign of impending doom all those years ago, I suspect we would now be in a much worse place in terms of getting these places to safety in time.” While some landmarks were seemingly easy enough to hide away (such as the flattening of the Eiffel Tower achieved with an ACME-brand anvil, or the strategic placement of wild bicycle herds throughout Amsterdam), the very official nature of the statement has meant those still in the process of being, and even yet to be, secured are now under intense public scrutiny, especially by those living in close proximity to them. “I’m, like, not even 10 minutes away from hashtag-bigred over there,” complains cyber-pervasive vegan mocha micro-brewery owner and San Francisco native Atticus Ruby Silas Eloise, “and my hashtag-goodvibes would so totally be killed if I were too, so the fact I can still see it in the background of my post-meta-ironic polaroids is very problematic and needs changing, periodt. Hashtag-notmyapocalypse.” Perhaps most controversially of all, the New Englander and Great Lakes state governments have openly communicated their intention to simply allow whatever disaster is coming free passage through their cities, claiming that “the complete and utter annihilation of our largest metropolitan areas would likely have a net positive effect on the economy”. In order to prevent a premature beginning to the catastrophe, citizens across the world have been advised to panic as much as they physically can, since advising the opposite is almost always ironically timed, and therefore all but guarantees the appearance of some horrifying WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WH