The Spurious Chronicle

Congress To Auction DC As An NFT To Pay Off Foreign Debt

Following weeks of tense negotiations between America's politicians regarding avenues of action on the nation's mounting foreign debt, Congress believes it has finally reached a consensus; listing the entirety of DC, its people and infrastructure included, as an NFT in order to raise funds to foot the bill. "We understand that this decision may not enjoy the full support of the public," spoke Virginia governor Ralph Northam at a press conference held in a yacht slowly floating down the Potomac, as crews began preparations to physically saw the district away from the land around it, "but desperate times call for desperate measures, and the way we see it, we'll be getting a hell of a lot of money for giving away what's essentially worthless." Naturally, opinions surrounding the issue are fiercely divided, and even more so in the NF-To-Be as its residents are split on the values of being commodified and exchanged just to change one number to another. "Why the hell does this even need discussion?! Surely there's another way to pay the debt off, other than getting into this... this moronic blockchain nonsense!" opined local loon Sanny Tee, in the midst of being stuffed into a straightjacket and wheeled away. "I like duh en-eff-tee, 'cuz duh green nummer go up, yaaaaay!" retorted NTF aficionado Voltr Ottel, before sending his crypto wallet key to an incredibly reputable Nigerian prince promising a tenfold return on investment. Though some vocal opponents of the measure questioned where next Congress would convene, if the district of nearly 700 thousand and the nation's most recognisable landmarks were to be pawned off for some quick cash, a wayward suggestion coming from under one of the janitors' breath offered a novel solution which ultimately satisfied both sides; from now on, US Representatives will all get on the same wooden raft and paddle out into the Atlantic Ocean, with no provisions or outside contact, so that they have all the space they could ever need to manifest their flawless policy proposals through mental energy alone.

Zombie Hordes To Pursue Space Program Following Failure To Locate Brains Anywhere On Earth

As has been tradition every year on Halloween, uncountable masses of the undead have predictably scourged the vast landscapes of the world in search of delectable grey matter, only to inevitably be beaten back by our brave boots in battle. However, following their umpteenth defeat since time immemorial, the ghouls left most undamaged by the conflict have now officially announced their intention to begin the search for brains elsewhere in the galaxy after coming up empty on Earth. "Our innate, ravenous hunger for skull soup has always been the defining feature of our people," translated a slightly-nibbled and shackled Sir Chuck Loin for Head Slurper Ed Winchester, "and our every action has always been taken to preserve it. But with a dead, heavy heart I must confirm that, after all the time and effort we have put in to secure those delicious, delicious brains, there are simply none to be found anywhere on Planet Earth." The attending audience of zombies, having suffered far more rot than Winchester had, could only growl in collective disappointment. "But hope is not yet lost, for great opportunity presents itself in the final frontier, and the noggins it may containt; by scrapping our combined prosthetics, lodged weapons, and countless abandoned cars, we shall assemble the greatest spacecraft this world has ever seen, and with it, take back what is rightfully ours to gnaw upon!" Naturally, the crowd burst into raucous groans and moans, the very conception of alien brains being enough for some to inexplicably begin salivating again. While the United Nations were scheduled to make a collective statement regarding Winchester's announcement a few hours ago, recent reports indicate that the constituent representatives saw a squirrel and all began to bark and chase after it on all fours, likely delaying any kind of coordinated response to the Zombie space programme.

Local Yokel Oversleeps, Ruins Post-Apocalyptic Fun For Everyone

3 billion human lives ended on September 26th, 2021, and the Spurian survivors of the nuclear fire called this war, “Judgement Day”. They lived not to face the nightmare of a war against the Machines, but instead, the frustration with the sheer incompetence of the one man who had so cruelly denied them their dreams of righteous wasteland warriorhood. Max Obermayr, Bossman of Activating WMDs (BAW) for the Corporate Territories of Spurio, had previously been tasked with ensuring total launch preparedness for itself in light of national commitments made to the Horsemen Of The Apocalypse alliance just days before. Despite having coordinated full communication integration with fellow HOTA launch coordinators not long after the announcement of cooperation had been sent throughout the world, what has since been confirmed as a strenuous late-night bug fixing session caused Obermayr to fall asleep at his desk, not waking up again until after the last of the warheads had fallen everywhere but Spurian soil. "I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I’m simply here to apologise. What happened in my room that night was obviously unplanned," said Obermayr in a prepared statement through an associate as he remains hidden from public backlash, "The results you saw are more than apparent; skin-tight-leather-suit-wearing maniacs wielding flamethrower guitars were completely off the menu. I still don’t really know how to react or how to feel. I should have never tried coding with C. I should have shut the compiler down and paid full attention to the doomsday clock as it ticked towards spectacular radioactive oblivion, my finger hovering right over the enticingly pressable big red button."

While CEO Lange Peet should theoretically have full and immediate access to Spurio's awesome tools of complete and utter destruction, a restrictive law passed in a time when the apocalypse wasn't nearly as cool means that the CEO and the Spurian BAW need to initialise the system simultaneously for any missiles to start flying, a system which was predicted for some time to have the potential to reduce the total explosive tonnage expunged in a given nuclear exchange. "What we saw last week was an unacceptable breach in procedure, which unjustly stopped ICBMs from leaving and entering the country as they saw fit, and it's something this administration will always strive to never repeat," Peet stated at a press conference less than an hour ago, where he was seen whipping an already incensed crowd into a frothing frenzy as he promised painful retribution against Obermayr and his entire bloodline for his misdeeds. "The right of every Spurian citizen to partake in hellish, over-the-top action sequences in which the main characters look inexplicably clean and well-groomed, despite having lived their lives since the big kaboom without functioning plumbing, or even a hairbrush, should always be enforced, no matter the administration, and no matter the level of sacrifice needed to maintain it." While the disgraced BAW is busy being hunted to the ends of the now-irradiated Earth, a brief spate of luck appears to have struck Spurio yet in the form of a competent replacement, Mayr Obermax, who looks a lot like Obermayr now that we think about it, but he has a big, bushy moustache which doesn't match his hair colour, a comically thick and rubbery nose, and a set of glasses with no lenses in them, so it obviously can't be him. Over here at the Spurious Chronicle, our Journalistic Analysis Wing has pledged its full investigative powers towards tracking this dangerous criminal down, with the express hope that our JAW will have the BAW in its possession as soon as possible, in order to achieve a fundamentally less safe Spurio for all.

Social Scientists Recommend Real Scientists Stop Wedgying Them

After years of continued ridicule and abuse, a bunch of nerds who call themselves social "scientists" have made an announcement recommending that real scientists stop wedgying them for being stupid nerds. "Frankly, the level of blatant disrespect and unprofessionalism against us social scientists is ridiculous," said über-nerd Abercrombie Milhouse in a statement with a load of other nerds supporting him from the anonymous safety of the comment section. "The social sciences are just as valid and applicable as any other science, and to claim otherwise further divides us in a time when we are at risk of being delegitimised, or even rejected entirely," he stated idiotically, clearly unaware of how much of a nerd he was, "and all walks of science must make efforts to reduce the amount of verbal and physical incidents if any progress is to be made in increasing field unity." Immediately after the broadcast, Milhouse was found strung up by his heart-speckled underwear atop a towel rack, wriggling stupidly as a bunch of infinitely cooler geologists pointed and laughed at him. Immediate projections from an equally cool group of statisticians foresee up to a 500% increase in wet willies, swirlies, and 'kick me' paper applications against social "scientists", and have celebrated accordingly by performing all three on their pet sociologist.

Massive Radiation Leak Poses No Threat To Public Health, Assures Rapidly-Growing Pile Of Tumours

All eyes have been cast upon Marvin Mormont, CEO of Nuka-Storage LLC, a hazardous waste disposal company based in southwestern Idaho, following a well-publicised incident last month in which one of its largest storage facilities underwent a catastrophic failure, resulting in untold millions of tonnes of both radioactive and biological waste being released into the immediate environment, most notably the Boise River, which leads directly through 3 major towns before opening into the nearby Snake River. However, today Mr Mormont has appeared publicly at a press conference, shunning his usual garb of a suit and tie for a writhing, discoloured mass of tumours which seemed to steadily increase in volume every minute or so. "I understand that many people are concerned about the ecological and economical effects of the relatively small breach at our Boise facility", the mound said, a different voice enunciating each word, none of which were Mr Mormont's, "but let me be perfectly clear; the discharge from the incident has had little to no actual impact on the health and well-being of the Idahoan peoples. May I remind you that this time of year, Face-Melting-Into-Irradiated-Mess-Disorder, or FMIIMD, is strikingly common, and the likelihood of last month's occurrence having any connection with the 734,347% increase of mass-of-tumour sightings is practically non-existent". According to Mr Mormont's schedule, the public address was indented to continue for another 20 minutes, but too many tumours blocking his mouth, as well as him swallowing several aides within his fold, unfortunately cut the event short. Whether the press conference will placate fears regarding the leak is to be seen, but we at the Spurious Chronicle believe that much of Idaho's affected population will be too occupied assimilating all nearby bio-matter for the good of The Unity to care.