Two Old Men Struggle To Hold An Election

The good ol' USA is well-known for having some of the most contentious elections of the entire world, and this year’s was certainly no different, with the Democrat’s Joe Biden going head-to-head with the Republican's incumbent Donald Trump in perhaps the most tumultuous period in the nation’s history. Most notably, both candidates drew criticism from their opposing parties for their extreme age, as both candidates were well stiffened by their near-geriatric status, with some questioning whether either candidate would be able to keep it up once secured in office. Regardless, they came in the favour of their respective elective councils for Ministerial nomination, both having some impressive head in the polls in all the expected regions. However, President Trump struggled to keep his poll length up in the months leading up to the election, mostly due to a string of controversies centred around his pussy-footed attitude regarding the Coronavirus pandemic, both in the open air and deep in home territory. Then, a few weeks before the official day of elections, the two candidates came together several times on the debate stage on national television, where both attempted to go down on the other candidate with supposed bombshells in order to deny them of their elective climax by sucking their opponent’s voters into their own pool. However, on Election Day and the days following, the US' great height continued to fall as President Trump accused Mr Biden of diddling the election in his favour by allowing paid actors to fondle his votes into switching sides. Even now, President Trump has refused to concede the election, instead opting to chase after the deep holes of his supposed voter fraud in court. Only time will tell whether the United States of America will stand stiffly against tyranny, or shrink by the hand of an ugly truth.

Massive Radiation Leak Poses No Threat To Public Health, Assures Rapidly-Growing Pile Of Tumours

All eyes have been cast upon Marvin Mormont, CEO of Nuka-Storage LLC, a hazardous waste disposal company based in southwestern Idaho, following a well-publicised incident last month in which one of its largest storage facilities underwent a catastrophic failure, resulting in untold millions of tonnes of both radioactive and biological waste being released into the immediate environment, most notably the Boise River, which leads directly through 3 major towns before opening into the nearby Snake River. However, today Mr Mormont has appeared publicly at a press conference, shunning his usual garb of a suit and tie for a writhing, discoloured mass of tumours which seemed to steadily increase in volume every minute or so. "I understand that many people are concerned about the ecological and economical effects of the relatively small breach at our Boise facility", the mound said, a different voice enunciating each word, none of which were Mr Mormont's, "but let me be perfectly clear; the discharge from the incident has had little to no actual impact on the health and well-being of the Idahoan peoples. May I remind you that this time of year, Face-Melting-Into-Irradiated-Mess-Disorder, or FMIIMD, is strikingly common, and the likelihood of last month's occurrence having any connection with the 734,347% increase of mass-of-tumour sightings is practically non-existent". According to Mr Mormont's schedule, the public address was indented to continue for another 20 minutes, but too many tumours blocking his mouth, as well as him swallowing several aides within his fold, unfortunately cut the event short. Whether the press conference will placate fears regarding the leak is to be seen, but we at the Spurious Chronicle believe that much of Idaho's affected population will be too occupied assimilating all nearby bio-matter for the good of The Unity to care.