The Spurious Chronicle

Local Yokel Oversleeps, Ruins Post-Apocalyptic Fun For Everyone

3 billion human lives ended on September 26th, 2021, and the Spurian survivors of the nuclear fire called this war, “Judgement Day”. They lived not to face the nightmare of a war against the Machines, but instead, the frustration with the sheer incompetence of the one man who had so cruelly denied them their dreams of righteous wasteland warriorhood. Max Obermayr, Bossman of Activating WMDs (BAW) for the Corporate Territories of Spurio, had previously been tasked with ensuring total launch preparedness for itself in light of national commitments made to the Horsemen Of The Apocalypse alliance just days before. Despite having coordinated full communication integration with fellow HOTA launch coordinators not long after the announcement of cooperation had been sent throughout the world, what has since been confirmed as a strenuous late-night bug fixing session caused Obermayr to fall asleep at his desk, not waking up again until after the last of the warheads had fallen everywhere but Spurian soil. "I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I’m simply here to apologise. What happened in my room that night was obviously unplanned," said Obermayr in a prepared statement through an associate as he remains hidden from public backlash, "The results you saw are more than apparent; skin-tight-leather-suit-wearing maniacs wielding flamethrower guitars were completely off the menu. I still don’t really know how to react or how to feel. I should have never tried coding with C. I should have shut the compiler down and paid full attention to the doomsday clock as it ticked towards spectacular radioactive oblivion, my finger hovering right over the enticingly pressable big red button."

While CEO Lange Peet should theoretically have full and immediate access to Spurio's awesome tools of complete and utter destruction, a restrictive law passed in a time when the apocalypse wasn't nearly as cool means that the CEO and the Spurian BAW need to initialise the system simultaneously for any missiles to start flying, a system which was predicted for some time to have the potential to reduce the total explosive tonnage expunged in a given nuclear exchange. "What we saw last week was an unacceptable breach in procedure, which unjustly stopped ICBMs from leaving and entering the country as they saw fit, and it's something this administration will always strive to never repeat," Peet stated at a press conference less than an hour ago, where he was seen whipping an already incensed crowd into a frothing frenzy as he promised painful retribution against Obermayr and his entire bloodline for his misdeeds. "The right of every Spurian citizen to partake in hellish, over-the-top action sequences in which the main characters look inexplicably clean and well-groomed, despite having lived their lives since the big kaboom without functioning plumbing, or even a hairbrush, should always be enforced, no matter the administration, and no matter the level of sacrifice needed to maintain it." While the disgraced BAW is busy being hunted to the ends of the now-irradiated Earth, a brief spate of luck appears to have struck Spurio yet in the form of a competent replacement, Mayr Obermax, who looks a lot like Obermayr now that we think about it, but he has a big, bushy moustache which doesn't match his hair colour, a comically thick and rubbery nose, and a set of glasses with no lenses in them, so it obviously can't be him. Over here at the Spurious Chronicle, our Journalistic Analysis Wing has pledged its full investigative powers towards tracking this dangerous criminal down, with the express hope that our JAW will have the BAW in its possession as soon as possible, in order to achieve a fundamentally less safe Spurio for all.

Joe Biden Celebrates New Speedrunning Record For Foreign Puppet Collapse

In the months following his inauguration as President of the United States of America, Joe Biden has faced heavy criticism from both foe and friend for renaging on key campaign points and alienating large swathes of his own voting base, but his latest achievement stands to blow all that away; following months of hard work of demoralising the American population, destroying the upper command of their armed force's confidence in his abilities, and power-napping after hours-long ice cream binges, President Biden has jubilantly taken pole position for speedrunning the collapse of a foreign puppet regime after withdrawing military presence from the region with a record-shattering 123 days. "Listen, man, the- uh, the- the thing is, uh, Jack, this is, uh, amazing, j-just amazing, whoever's running this great nation should, uh, get a pat on the, uh, the back, y'know?" he said when asked for comment by the Spurious Chronicle during the afterparty, before going right back to sniffing his secretary's hair.

While Biden's choice to use the Afghanistan strategy was mocked at first (as past attempts by the British and Soviet communities had always failed to establish any regime in the first place), capitulating to the country's Taliban Resistance mechanic introduced in the War On Terror patch allowed him to utilise an oft-underused phonecall exploit to prevent the puppet regime from defending against the encroaching rebel hordes, thereby ensuring that the regime collapse tag could trigger as early as possible. While most in the speedrunning community theorised that the ideal regime collapse location would be somewhere in Western Europe (due to Gerald Ford's attempt in Vietnam netting 835 days and Ronald Reagan's attempt in Lebanon netting 584 days),​​​​​ President Biden's strategetic use of his "Creepy, Dementia-Ridden Geriatric" debuff has provided the fast-growing Foreign Puppet Collapse community with several new strategies which look to shake up a long-stagnant scene with more fresh talent, ideas, and enthusiasm for the disenfranchisement of their fellow human beings for their own political gain.

World's Famous Landmarks, Major Cities To Go Into Hiding After Ominous Music Starts Playing

In a coordinated press statement conducted by NATO, CSTO, and SCO diplomats just moments ago, it was confirmed that the landmarks, cities, and geography of the world were in the process of being secured through removal and obfuscation in direct response to the foreboding music which, since its sudden appearance less than half an hour ago, has been steadily increasing in intensity as some unseen disaster likely readies itself to strike. “Plans to preserve and protect our most recognisable locations have been in place ever since 2012- the movie, mind you, not the year -and that preparation has now allowed us to act decisively and efficiently,” noted US Secretary of State Antony Blinken as he made sure his fingers were still entwined with one another. “Had we not anticipated a slow-building orchestral score coming from nowhere in particular as a sign of impending doom all those years ago, I suspect we would now be in a much worse place in terms of getting these places to safety in time.” While some landmarks were seemingly easy enough to hide away (such as the flattening of the Eiffel Tower achieved with an ACME-brand anvil, or the strategic placement of wild bicycle herds throughout Amsterdam), the very official nature of the statement has meant those still in the process of being, and even yet to be, secured are now under intense public scrutiny, especially by those living in close proximity to them. “I’m, like, not even 10 minutes away from hashtag-bigred over there,” complains cyber-pervasive vegan mocha micro-brewery owner and San Francisco native Atticus Ruby Silas Eloise, “and my hashtag-goodvibes would so totally be killed if I were too, so the fact I can still see it in the background of my post-meta-ironic polaroids is very problematic and needs changing, periodt. Hashtag-notmyapocalypse.” Perhaps most controversially of all, the New Englander and Great Lakes state governments have openly communicated their intention to simply allow whatever disaster is coming free passage through their cities, claiming that “the complete and utter annihilation of our largest metropolitan areas would likely have a net positive effect on the economy”. In order to prevent a premature beginning to the catastrophe, citizens across the world have been advised to panic as much as they physically can, since advising the opposite is almost always ironically timed, and therefore all but guarantees the appearance of some horrifying WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WH

UN Assembly Condemns USA For Possessing Dangerous Levels Of Freedom

The United States of America are no strangers to controversy on the world stage, a point now officially enforced on the legislative level in a condemnation statement released by the UN assembly just hours ago, its main concern being the hegemon's unabashed, uninterrupted promotion and celebration of liberty for all who seek it. "The very fact that the US has outwardly espoused the values of freedom, democracy, and prosperity, uninterrupted for nearly 250 years without thought or care towards our ironclad grip on our citizens' self-determination, should signal to this assembly its failures in successfully containing such dangerous thought", opened Zhang Jun, Permanent Representative to the United Nations of China, a nation well-renowned for its history of disregarding personal freedoms, from ethnic genocides against Tibetans and Uyghurs to the systematic elimination of dissent in Hong Kong and Tiananmen Square. "Why action against this flagrant breach of UN policy has not been taken seriously sooner eludes me," added the Saudi Arabian representative on behalf of the Middle Eastern member-nations, who pride themselves on dogmatic religious fervour dictating their national policy of sexual discrimination and the public stoning of LGBT people among others, as well as having served a cumulative 48 years on the United Nations Human Rights Council since its inception in early 2006. Though the EU and UK had prepared a joint statement on the matter as well, the address was cancelled in fear that reciting it could potentially constitute a violation of their own hate speech laws, not to mention a weapons regulation violation, seeing as opening the manilla envelope it was held in would result in unregistered possession of a knife. While the condemned state was expected to respond within regulation, the primary US ambassador simply started playing "America, F*** Yeah" on his boombox while handing out cold beers to nearby representatives, tending to the charcoal grill, and fiddling with the box of fireworks stashed beneath his desk. While the condemnation had passed unanimously (on account of the American delegation voting "yes" as well), a motion to dismiss it is reportedly already in the works, on the basis that "Jeff does a hell of a mean steak, and I'd hate to miss it if he leaves," according to an anonymous source within the assembly.

Local Gays To Smear Rainbow Paint Above Doors To Avoid Being Monetized

Members of the LGBT community around the world have all received a revelation of great calamity with the advent of June, citing vision of a plague of shameless corporate commodification and rainbow profile pictures for countries where it won't hurt their bottom line, which would culminate in each household losing their firstbought wallet to metric tons of Pride merchandise. However, the prophets RuPaul and Gaga have been commanded by the Lorde to instruct those worthy of Her protection to adorn the rim of their doors with colourful paint, in order to ward off the Angels of Monetization who would have otherwise used them to extract more cash from people desperate to seem 'with it' and 'hip'. If no rainbow paint is available, the Lorde has decreed that either nailing a plaid flannel shirt to, or setting a plate of lemon bars by the door are both an acceptable substitute. In response to this tactic, Underworld Inc. has announced the introduction of tollbooths between the different circles of Hell to make up for the lost revenue.

Social Scientists Recommend Real Scientists Stop Wedgying Them

After years of continued ridicule and abuse, a bunch of nerds who call themselves social "scientists" have made an announcement recommending that real scientists stop wedgying them for being stupid nerds. "Frankly, the level of blatant disrespect and unprofessionalism against us social scientists is ridiculous," said über-nerd Abercrombie Milhouse in a statement with a load of other nerds supporting him from the anonymous safety of the comment section. "The social sciences are just as valid and applicable as any other science, and to claim otherwise further divides us in a time when we are at risk of being delegitimised, or even rejected entirely," he stated idiotically, clearly unaware of how much of a nerd he was, "and all walks of science must make efforts to reduce the amount of verbal and physical incidents if any progress is to be made in increasing field unity." Immediately after the broadcast, Milhouse was found strung up by his heart-speckled underwear atop a towel rack, wriggling stupidly as a bunch of infinitely cooler geologists pointed and laughed at him. Immediate projections from an equally cool group of statisticians foresee up to a 500% increase in wet willies, swirlies, and 'kick me' paper applications against social "scientists", and have celebrated accordingly by performing all three on their pet sociologist.

Russian Foreign Ministry Assures NATO Incoming ICBMs "Part Of Normal Training Exercise"

Amidst controversy surrounding Russian involvement in the ongoing Ukrainian crisis, the Russian Foreign Ministry has chosen to make a public announcement to assure NATO that the hailstorm of incoming nuclear-tipped ballistic missiles is merely part of regular training operations, and is no cause for concern. "You know how that one kid on the playground has that handful of sand, and says he's going to throw it at you, but just drops it at the last second?", asked Sergey Lavrov some 27 minutes ago, in a livestream set up within his expansive bunker network. "Yeah, it's like that, but with the threat of complete thermonuclear annihilation." Although Mr Lavrov spent most of the session alternating between picking his nose and shouting angrily into a nearby telephone, the Foreign Minister stated, in no uncertain terms, that "in the immediate future and beyond, you will find your fears and worries wiped completely off the map, so don't even bother looking at your nuclear response network. You don't even have to turn it on." Already, geopolitical theorists are forming strong opinions about this surprising change in foreign policy by the Russian Federation, such as "why are there 15 suns" and "oh god I can feel the skin melting off of my face please help please please please pl". Whether this new direction will help eradicate ongoing tensions between NATO and the Russian sphere of influence still remains to be seen, but whatever does end up happening, the results are sure to send shockwaves across the whole of the world.

Congress To Unveil New Spending Measure Where They Just Forget How Much They’ve Spent

Plagued by piling debts, mismanaged funding, and a sharp devaluation of the US dollar last Friday, Congress has reportedly developed a foolproof strategy to rid the nation of its financial ills, a large part of which seems to be simply forgetting they had spent the money in the first place. "Really, when you get down to it, all this money is just on paper, so if we, say, throw the paper away, then it doesn't exist, right?", said Bernie Sanders, 79, who first broke the news by accidentally calling the Spurious Chronicle instead of his granddaughter, and being none the wiser as he rambled while fruitlessly searching for the glasses atop his head. "I mean, it's not like anyone can see this stuff, right? Oh, speaking of which, I think I've got the little bastards!", he proclaimed, before diving headfirst into his laundry-basket.

His fellow Congresspeople, such as Ed Markey, 74, and Dianne Feinstein, 87, were quick to confirm this course of action in similar fashion to Congressman Sanders in subsequent statements. "A fundamental problem with the way that Congress approaches money is that too many people are remembering that we've already spent money, which limits how much aid and development we can push out. If we got rid of that, we could double, triple, er, um, er, eleven-uple the amount of funding fed to the money hole!”, commented President Biden before meandering out of his office while mumbling something about corn pop and pony soldiers. Already, economists are lining up praise for the bold solution to the budget crunch, claiming "another governmental masterstroke" and that "this literally can't go wrong". Congress is expected to vote on the issue as soon as everyone remembers when the meeting is supposed to happen.

Old Lawnmower’s ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’ Wins Grammy’s Best Rap Song

Ever since its debut on the music scene 3 years ago, Old Lawnmower has consistently released smash-hits across all charts, racking up potential millions’ worth of sales from what some purport to be a cult-like fanbase. This year seems to be no different, with its latest single ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’ (which was composed entirely of roughly 10 minutes of severe, squirrel-related mechanical failure) winning Best Rap Song in last night’s Grammy Awards, a move from the judges which some of OL’s detractors are calling “completely nonsensical” and “literally impossible”. Yet more controversy erupted upon its entry to the acceptance stage, where it forwent its usual stalled and barely-fuelled demeanour in favour of a reckless and out-of-control trajectory off of the platform into the crowd, knocking several rows of the audience over and even shaving a notable reality TV host's hair-do down to the skin before eventually crashing into the opposite wall and losing its engine hub. Despite this unexpected behaviour, we at the Western Post believe that this sensational development will work to even further boost ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’s' profits in the coming weeks and months from fans and haters alike, surely prolonging OL's career for many moons to come.

It's Official; 2020 Worst Year In History, As Long You Didn't Live At Any Other Time In History

As the year of turmoil known as 2020 comes to a close, a recent polling action by a Tibetan think-tank discovered that an overwhelming 94% of the world's population believed 2020 to be one of historically unprecedented chaos, misery, and toilet-paper shortages. A subsequent expert study from the University for Asinine Retrospectives confirmed the polling to be accurate, as long as one left out practically every other year in recorded human history.

"An interesting correlation between the two sets of data was that most of the people responding did so with mass-produced, incredibly powerful computing devices which, instead of taking up a whole building of space, only took up the space of one's palm. Another point of interest we found was that this majority subgroup, while insisting 2020 was the worst year ever, also tended to enjoy freshly-made food delivered hot to their doorstep, whereupon they would enjoy it in a fully air-conditioned living-space while spending most of the day watching millions of hours of on-demand entertainment," said Khando Tenzin, lead researcher at the UAR.

"While we at the University understand that the year has been especially hard on a lot of people, we are simply pointing out that there were comparatively few instances of famine, slavery, civil war, ice ages, figuring out how to work a rotary phone, people burned for witchcraft, fighting mammoths with nothing but 14 other scantily-clad cavemen, cave-dwelling, widespread genocide and ethnic cleansing, catastrophic natural disasters, pre-modern surgery and healthcare, normalised cannibalism, child mortality, barbarian raids, having to use a physical dictionary, world wars, occupation by the Roman Empire… what was I talking about? Oh, right - most people didn't exactly experience those things this year, so I'd personally say it went pretty okay!"

"Why can't it all just be over?" said Joshua Palmer, internet enthusiast who makes more money playing his favourite games for a few hours than 20 child labourers would get for half a year's work.

"If only we could go back," opined Lexi Burton, whose piping-hot pizza arrived 2 minutes later than she anticipated.

"Screw. 20. 20." tweeted Latisha Corleone, an online dog yoga instructor whose favoured candidate won the latest presidential election.

One notable exception was a complete lunatic who was unnaturally optimistic about both the old and new year. "Good lord, I love being alive! Can't wait for more!" The lunatic, as of publishing, has been summarily detained with a 24/7 military presence to figure out what the hell is wrong with him.