Music

Study Reveals Guitar Solo From Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird" Main Cause Of Highway Pursuits, Pub Brawls

A recent report published by the Floyd Mayweather Institute for Gutting Homicides and Tussles (FIGHT) has laid the blame for the ever-rising rates of general lawlessness and hooliganism around the world squarely at the feet of rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd's 1973 smash hit "Free Bird", in particular the lengthy guitar solo which features 4 minutes and 42 seconds into the track. Drawing from a combination of thousands of local police reports, countless witness testimonies, and careful monitoring of historical online streams, FIGHT insinuates that the song's lasting popularity nearly half a century on has meant that otherwise calm and easily managed incidents (such as routine traffic stops and minor barside arguments) have increasingly escalated to the point of uncontrollable chaos as a direct result of the song's presence nearby. Nowhere is this more apparent, the report claims, than in the infamous Mankings Megachurch Maul several years prior; what began as an innocent teenage prank to replace the soothing ambient melody, which constantly played through the complex's many speakers, with the rock ballad in question quickly devolved into the largest documented fistfight in world history, the bloody frenzy claiming a grand total of 2,014 lives before a man directly thrown into an exposed breaker box shorted the entire building's circuitry and ended the murderous melody for good.

Predictably, the study's conclusions have proven incredibly divisive, with prominent politicians, celebrities, and average Joes alike all rushing to make their thoughts on the matter known - from holding so-called 'immunisation concerts' in order to weaken the song's effects through repeated exposure, to outright outlawing the band and every single one of their songs, no solution to the present crisis appears to be off the table. Most notably, Lynyrd Skynyrd itself issued a full public rebuttal of the report shortly after its release, promising its authors in no uncertain terms that they would, "(...)F****** FLAY THE SKIN FROM THOSE G****** A******* FOR DARING TO SAY OUR F****** SONGS F****** MAKE PEOPLE F****** VIOLENT AND UNHINGED". The authors in question were unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.


World's Famous Landmarks, Major Cities To Go Into Hiding After Ominous Music Starts Playing

In a coordinated press statement conducted by NATO, CSTO, and SCO diplomats just moments ago, it was confirmed that the landmarks, cities, and geography of the world were in the process of being secured through removal and obfuscation in direct response to the foreboding music which, since its sudden appearance less than half an hour ago, has been steadily increasing in intensity as some unseen disaster likely readies itself to strike. “Plans to preserve and protect our most recognisable locations have been in place ever since 2012- the movie, mind you, not the year -and that preparation has now allowed us to act decisively and efficiently,” noted US Secretary of State Antony Blinken as he made sure his fingers were still entwined with one another. “Had we not anticipated a slow-building orchestral score coming from nowhere in particular as a sign of impending doom all those years ago, I suspect we would now be in a much worse place in terms of getting these places to safety in time.” While some landmarks were seemingly easy enough to hide away (such as the flattening of the Eiffel Tower achieved with an ACME-brand anvil, or the strategic placement of wild bicycle herds throughout Amsterdam), the very official nature of the statement has meant those still in the process of being, and even yet to be, secured are now under intense public scrutiny, especially by those living in close proximity to them. “I’m, like, not even 10 minutes away from hashtag-bigred over there,” complains cyber-pervasive vegan mocha micro-brewery owner and San Francisco native Atticus Ruby Silas Eloise, “and my hashtag-goodvibes would so totally be killed if I were too, so the fact I can still see it in the background of my post-meta-ironic polaroids is very problematic and needs changing, periodt. Hashtag-notmyapocalypse.” Perhaps most controversially of all, the New Englander and Great Lakes state governments have openly communicated their intention to simply allow whatever disaster is coming free passage through their cities, claiming that “the complete and utter annihilation of our largest metropolitan areas would likely have a net positive effect on the economy”. In order to prevent a premature beginning to the catastrophe, citizens across the world have been advised to panic as much as they physically can, since advising the opposite is almost always ironically timed, and therefore all but guarantees the appearance of some horrifying WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WH


Old Lawnmower’s ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’ Wins Grammy’s Best Rap Song

Ever since its debut on the music scene 3 years ago, Old Lawnmower has consistently released smash-hits across all charts, racking up potential millions’ worth of sales from what some purport to be a cult-like fanbase. This year seems to be no different, with its latest single ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’ (which was composed entirely of roughly 10 minutes of severe, squirrel-related mechanical failure) winning Best Rap Song in last night’s Grammy Awards, a move from the judges which some of OL’s detractors are calling “completely nonsensical” and “literally impossible”. Yet more controversy erupted upon its entry to the acceptance stage, where it forwent its usual stalled and barely-fuelled demeanour in favour of a reckless and out-of-control trajectory off of the platform into the crowd, knocking several rows of the audience over and even shaving a notable reality TV host's hair-do down to the skin before eventually crashing into the opposite wall and losing its engine hub. Despite this unexpected behaviour, we at the Western Post believe that this sensational development will work to even further boost ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’s' profits in the coming weeks and months from fans and haters alike, surely prolonging OL's career for many moons to come.