Local Yokel Oversleeps, Ruins Post-Apocalyptic Fun For Everyone

3 billion human lives ended on September 26th, 2021, and the Spurian survivors of the nuclear fire called this war, “Judgement Day”. They lived not to face the nightmare of a war against the Machines, but instead, the frustration with the sheer incompetence of the one man who had so cruelly denied them their dreams of righteous wasteland warriorhood. Max Obermayr, Bossman of Activating WMDs (BAW) for the Corporate Territories of Spurio, had previously been tasked with ensuring total launch preparedness for itself in light of national commitments made to the Horsemen Of The Apocalypse alliance just days before. Despite having coordinated full communication integration with fellow HOTA launch coordinators not long after the announcement of cooperation had been sent throughout the world, what has since been confirmed as a strenuous late-night bug fixing session caused Obermayr to fall asleep at his desk, not waking up again until after the last of the warheads had fallen everywhere but Spurian soil. "I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I’m simply here to apologise. What happened in my room that night was obviously unplanned," said Obermayr in a prepared statement through an associate as he remains hidden from public backlash, "The results you saw are more than apparent; skin-tight-leather-suit-wearing maniacs wielding flamethrower guitars were completely off the menu. I still don’t really know how to react or how to feel. I should have never tried coding with C. I should have shut the compiler down and paid full attention to the doomsday clock as it ticked towards spectacular radioactive oblivion, my finger hovering right over the enticingly pressable big red button."

While CEO Lange Peet should theoretically have full and immediate access to Spurio's awesome tools of complete and utter destruction, a restrictive law passed in a time when the apocalypse wasn't nearly as cool means that the CEO and the Spurian BAW need to initialise the system simultaneously for any missiles to start flying, a system which was predicted for some time to have the potential to reduce the total explosive tonnage expunged in a given nuclear exchange. "What we saw last week was an unacceptable breach in procedure, which unjustly stopped ICBMs from leaving and entering the country as they saw fit, and it's something this administration will always strive to never repeat," Peet stated at a press conference less than an hour ago, where he was seen whipping an already incensed crowd into a frothing frenzy as he promised painful retribution against Obermayr and his entire bloodline for his misdeeds. "The right of every Spurian citizen to partake in hellish, over-the-top action sequences in which the main characters look inexplicably clean and well-groomed, despite having lived their lives since the big kaboom without functioning plumbing, or even a hairbrush, should always be enforced, no matter the administration, and no matter the level of sacrifice needed to maintain it." While the disgraced BAW is busy being hunted to the ends of the now-irradiated Earth, a brief spate of luck appears to have struck Spurio yet in the form of a competent replacement, Mayr Obermax, who looks a lot like Obermayr now that we think about it, but he has a big, bushy moustache which doesn't match his hair colour, a comically thick and rubbery nose, and a set of glasses with no lenses in them, so it obviously can't be him. Over here at the Spurious Chronicle, our Journalistic Analysis Wing has pledged its full investigative powers towards tracking this dangerous criminal down, with the express hope that our JAW will have the BAW in its possession as soon as possible, in order to achieve a fundamentally less safe Spurio for all.

Joe Biden Celebrates New Speedrunning Record For Foreign Puppet Collapse

In the months following his inauguration as President of the United States of America, Joe Biden has faced heavy criticism from both foe and friend for renaging on key campaign points and alienating large swathes of his own voting base, but his latest achievement stands to blow all that away; following months of hard work of demoralising the American population, destroying the upper command of their armed force's confidence in his abilities, and power-napping after hours-long ice cream binges, President Biden has jubilantly taken pole position for speedrunning the collapse of a foreign puppet regime after withdrawing military presence from the region with a record-shattering 123 days. "Listen, man, the- uh, the- the thing is, uh, Jack, this is, uh, amazing, j-just amazing, whoever's running this great nation should, uh, get a pat on the, uh, the back, y'know?" he said when asked for comment by the Spurious Chronicle during the afterparty, before going right back to sniffing his secretary's hair.

While Biden's choice to use the Afghanistan strategy was mocked at first (as past attempts by the British and Soviet communities had always failed to establish any regime in the first place), capitulating to the country's Taliban Resistance mechanic introduced in the War On Terror patch allowed him to utilise an oft-underused phonecall exploit to prevent the puppet regime from defending against the encroaching rebel hordes, thereby ensuring that the regime collapse tag could trigger as early as possible. While most in the speedrunning community theorised that the ideal regime collapse location would be somewhere in Western Europe (due to Gerald Ford's attempt in Vietnam netting 835 days and Ronald Reagan's attempt in Lebanon netting 584 days),​​​​​ President Biden's strategetic use of his "Creepy, Dementia-Ridden Geriatric" debuff has provided the fast-growing Foreign Puppet Collapse community with several new strategies which look to shake up a long-stagnant scene with more fresh talent, ideas, and enthusiasm for the disenfranchisement of their fellow human beings for their own political gain.