Current Affairs

Joe Biden Celebrates New Speedrunning Record For Foreign Puppet Collapse

In the months following his inauguration as President of the United States of America, Joe Biden has faced heavy criticism from both foe and friend for renaging on key campaign points and alienating large swathes of his own voting base, but his latest achievement stands to blow all that away; following months of hard work of demoralising the American population, destroying the upper command of their armed force's confidence in his abilities, and power-napping after hours-long ice cream binges, President Biden has jubilantly taken pole position for speedrunning the collapse of a foreign puppet regime after withdrawing military presence from the region with a record-shattering 123 days. "Listen, man, the- uh, the- the thing is, uh, Jack, this is, uh, amazing, j-just amazing, whoever's running this great nation should, uh, get a pat on the, uh, the back, y'know?" he said when asked for comment by the Spurious Chronicle during the afterparty, before going right back to sniffing his secretary's hair.

While Biden's choice to use the Afghanistan strategy was mocked at first (as past attempts by the British and Soviet communities had always failed to establish any regime in the first place), capitulating to the country's Taliban Resistance mechanic introduced in the War On Terror patch allowed him to utilise an oft-underused phonecall exploit to prevent the puppet regime from defending against the encroaching rebel hordes, thereby ensuring that the regime collapse tag could trigger as early as possible. While most in the speedrunning community theorised that the ideal regime collapse location would be somewhere in Western Europe (due to Gerald Ford's attempt in Vietnam netting 835 days and Ronald Reagan's attempt in Lebanon netting 584 days),​​​​​ President Biden's strategetic use of his "Creepy, Dementia-Ridden Geriatric" debuff has provided the fast-growing Foreign Puppet Collapse community with several new strategies which look to shake up a long-stagnant scene with more fresh talent, ideas, and enthusiasm for the disenfranchisement of their fellow human beings for their own political gain.


UN Assembly Condemns USA For Possessing Dangerous Levels Of Freedom

The United States of America are no strangers to controversy on the world stage, a point now officially enforced on the legislative level in a condemnation statement released by the UN assembly just hours ago, its main concern being the hegemon's unabashed, uninterrupted promotion and celebration of liberty for all who seek it. "The very fact that the US has outwardly espoused the values of freedom, democracy, and prosperity, uninterrupted for nearly 250 years without thought or care towards our ironclad grip on our citizens' self-determination, should signal to this assembly its failures in successfully containing such dangerous thought", opened Zhang Jun, Permanent Representative to the United Nations of China, a nation well-renowned for its history of disregarding personal freedoms, from ethnic genocides against Tibetans and Uyghurs to the systematic elimination of dissent in Hong Kong and Tiananmen Square. "Why action against this flagrant breach of UN policy has not been taken seriously sooner eludes me," added the Saudi Arabian representative on behalf of the Middle Eastern member-nations, who pride themselves on dogmatic religious fervour dictating their national policy of sexual discrimination and the public stoning of LGBT people among others, as well as having served a cumulative 48 years on the United Nations Human Rights Council since its inception in early 2006. Though the EU and UK had prepared a joint statement on the matter as well, the address was cancelled in fear that reciting it could potentially constitute a violation of their own hate speech laws, not to mention a weapons regulation violation, seeing as opening the manilla envelope it was held in would result in unregistered possession of a knife. While the condemned state was expected to respond within regulation, the primary US ambassador simply started playing "America, F*** Yeah" on his boombox while handing out cold beers to nearby representatives, tending to the charcoal grill, and fiddling with the box of fireworks stashed beneath his desk. While the condemnation had passed unanimously (on account of the American delegation voting "yes" as well), a motion to dismiss it is reportedly already in the works, on the basis that "Jeff does a hell of a mean steak, and I'd hate to miss it if he leaves," according to an anonymous source within the assembly.


Local Gays To Smear Rainbow Paint Above Doors To Avoid Being Monetized

Members of the LGBT community around the world have all received a revelation of great calamity with the advent of June, citing vision of a plague of shameless corporate commodification and rainbow profile pictures for countries where it won't hurt their bottom line, which would culminate in each household losing their firstbought wallet to metric tons of Pride merchandise. However, the prophets RuPaul and Gaga have been commanded by the Lorde to instruct those worthy of Her protection to adorn the rim of their doors with colourful paint, in order to ward off the Angels of Monetization who would have otherwise used them to extract more cash from people desperate to seem 'with it' and 'hip'. If no rainbow paint is available, the Lorde has decreed that either nailing a plaid flannel shirt to, or setting a plate of lemon bars by the door are both an acceptable substitute. In response to this tactic, Underworld Inc. has announced the introduction of tollbooths between the different circles of Hell to make up for the lost revenue.


Social Scientists Recommend Real Scientists Stop Wedgying Them

After years of continued ridicule and abuse, a bunch of nerds who call themselves social "scientists" have made an announcement recommending that real scientists stop wedgying them for being stupid nerds. "Frankly, the level of blatant disrespect and unprofessionalism against us social scientists is ridiculous," said über-nerd Abercrombie Milhouse in a statement with a load of other nerds supporting him from the anonymous safety of the comment section. "The social sciences are just as valid and applicable as any other science, and to claim otherwise further divides us in a time when we are at risk of being delegitimised, or even rejected entirely," he stated idiotically, clearly unaware of how much of a nerd he was, "and all walks of science must make efforts to reduce the amount of verbal and physical incidents if any progress is to be made in increasing field unity." Immediately after the broadcast, Milhouse was found strung up by his heart-speckled underwear atop a towel rack, wriggling stupidly as a bunch of infinitely cooler geologists pointed and laughed at him. Immediate projections from an equally cool group of statisticians foresee up to a 500% increase in wet willies, swirlies, and 'kick me' paper applications against social "scientists", and have celebrated accordingly by performing all three on their pet sociologist.


Russian Foreign Ministry Assures NATO Incoming ICBMs "Part Of Normal Training Exercise"

Amidst controversy surrounding Russian involvement in the ongoing Ukrainian crisis, the Russian Foreign Ministry has chosen to make a public announcement to assure NATO that the hailstorm of incoming nuclear-tipped ballistic missiles is merely part of regular training operations, and is no cause for concern. "You know how that one kid on the playground has that handful of sand, and says he's going to throw it at you, but just drops it at the last second?", asked Sergey Lavrov some 27 minutes ago, in a livestream set up within his expansive bunker network. "Yeah, it's like that, but with the threat of complete thermonuclear annihilation." Although Mr Lavrov spent most of the session alternating between picking his nose and shouting angrily into a nearby telephone, the Foreign Minister stated, in no uncertain terms, that "in the immediate future and beyond, you will find your fears and worries wiped completely off the map, so don't even bother looking at your nuclear response network. You don't even have to turn it on." Already, geopolitical theorists are forming strong opinions about this surprising change in foreign policy by the Russian Federation, such as "why are there 15 suns" and "oh god I can feel the skin melting off of my face please help please please please pl". Whether this new direction will help eradicate ongoing tensions between NATO and the Russian sphere of influence still remains to be seen, but whatever does end up happening, the results are sure to send shockwaves across the whole of the world.


Congress To Unveil New Spending Measure Where They Just Forget How Much They’ve Spent

Plagued by piling debts, mismanaged funding, and a sharp devaluation of the US dollar last Friday, Congress has reportedly developed a foolproof strategy to rid the nation of its financial ills, a large part of which seems to be simply forgetting they had spent the money in the first place. "Really, when you get down to it, all this money is just on paper, so if we, say, throw the paper away, then it doesn't exist, right?", said Bernie Sanders, 79, who first broke the news by accidentally calling the Spurious Chronicle instead of his granddaughter, and being none the wiser as he rambled while fruitlessly searching for the glasses atop his head. "I mean, it's not like anyone can see this stuff, right? Oh, speaking of which, I think I've got the little bastards!", he proclaimed, before diving headfirst into his laundry-basket.

His fellow Congresspeople, such as Ed Markey, 74, and Dianne Feinstein, 87, were quick to confirm this course of action in similar fashion to Congressman Sanders in subsequent statements. "A fundamental problem with the way that Congress approaches money is that too many people are remembering that we've already spent money, which limits how much aid and development we can push out. If we got rid of that, we could double, triple, er, um, er, eleven-uple the amount of funding fed to the money hole!”, commented President Biden before meandering out of his office while mumbling something about corn pop and pony soldiers. Already, economists are lining up praise for the bold solution to the budget crunch, claiming "another governmental masterstroke" and that "this literally can't go wrong". Congress is expected to vote on the issue as soon as everyone remembers when the meeting is supposed to happen.


Old Lawnmower’s ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’ Wins Grammy’s Best Rap Song

Ever since its debut on the music scene 3 years ago, Old Lawnmower has consistently released smash-hits across all charts, racking up potential millions’ worth of sales from what some purport to be a cult-like fanbase. This year seems to be no different, with its latest single ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’ (which was composed entirely of roughly 10 minutes of severe, squirrel-related mechanical failure) winning Best Rap Song in last night’s Grammy Awards, a move from the judges which some of OL’s detractors are calling “completely nonsensical” and “literally impossible”. Yet more controversy erupted upon its entry to the acceptance stage, where it forwent its usual stalled and barely-fuelled demeanour in favour of a reckless and out-of-control trajectory off of the platform into the crowd, knocking several rows of the audience over and even shaving a notable reality TV host's hair-do down to the skin before eventually crashing into the opposite wall and losing its engine hub. Despite this unexpected behaviour, we at the Western Post believe that this sensational development will work to even further boost ‘Brrt-Brrt-Chka-Brrt’s' profits in the coming weeks and months from fans and haters alike, surely prolonging OL's career for many moons to come.


It's Official; 2020 Worst Year In History, As Long You Didn't Live At Any Other Time In History

As the year of turmoil known as 2020 comes to a close, a recent polling action by a Tibetan think-tank discovered that an overwhelming 94% of the world's population believed 2020 to be one of historically unprecedented chaos, misery, and toilet-paper shortages. A subsequent expert study from the University for Asinine Retrospectives confirmed the polling to be accurate, as long as one left out practically every other year in recorded human history.

"An interesting correlation between the two sets of data was that most of the people responding did so with mass-produced, incredibly powerful computing devices which, instead of taking up a whole building of space, only took up the space of one's palm. Another point of interest we found was that this majority subgroup, while insisting 2020 was the worst year ever, also tended to enjoy freshly-made food delivered hot to their doorstep, whereupon they would enjoy it in a fully air-conditioned living-space while spending most of the day watching millions of hours of on-demand entertainment," said Khando Tenzin, lead researcher at the UAR.

"While we at the University understand that the year has been especially hard on a lot of people, we are simply pointing out that there were comparatively few instances of famine, slavery, civil war, ice ages, figuring out how to work a rotary phone, people burned for witchcraft, fighting mammoths with nothing but 14 other scantily-clad cavemen, cave-dwelling, widespread genocide and ethnic cleansing, catastrophic natural disasters, pre-modern surgery and healthcare, normalised cannibalism, child mortality, barbarian raids, having to use a physical dictionary, world wars, occupation by the Roman Empire… what was I talking about? Oh, right - most people didn't exactly experience those things this year, so I'd personally say it went pretty okay!"

"Why can't it all just be over?" said Joshua Palmer, internet enthusiast who makes more money playing his favourite games for a few hours than 20 child labourers would get for half a year's work.

"If only we could go back," opined Lexi Burton, whose piping-hot pizza arrived 2 minutes later than she anticipated.

"Screw. 20. 20." tweeted Latisha Corleone, an online dog yoga instructor whose favoured candidate won the latest presidential election.

One notable exception was a complete lunatic who was unnaturally optimistic about both the old and new year. "Good lord, I love being alive! Can't wait for more!" The lunatic, as of publishing, has been summarily detained with a 24/7 military presence to figure out what the hell is wrong with him.


Two Old Men Struggle To Hold An Election

The good ol' USA is well-known for having some of the most contentious elections of the entire world, and this year’s was certainly no different, with the Democrat’s Joe Biden going head-to-head with the Republican's incumbent Donald Trump in perhaps the most tumultuous period in the nation’s history. Most notably, both candidates drew criticism from their opposing parties for their extreme age, as both candidates were well stiffened by their near-geriatric status, with some questioning whether either candidate would be able to keep it up once secured in office. Regardless, they came in the favour of their respective elective councils for Ministerial nomination, both having some impressive head in the polls in all the expected regions. However, President Trump struggled to keep his poll length up in the months leading up to the election, mostly due to a string of controversies centred around his pussy-footed attitude regarding the Coronavirus pandemic, both in the open air and deep in home territory. Then, a few weeks before the official day of elections, the two candidates came together several times on the debate stage on national television, where both attempted to go down on the other candidate with supposed bombshells in order to deny them of their elective climax by sucking their opponent’s voters into their own pool. However, on Election Day and the days following, the US' great height continued to fall as President Trump accused Mr Biden of diddling the election in his favour by allowing paid actors to fondle his votes into switching sides. Even now, President Trump has refused to concede the election, instead opting to chase after the deep holes of his supposed voter fraud in court. Only time will tell whether the United States of America will stand stiffly against tyranny, or shrink by the hand of an ugly truth.


Massive Radiation Leak Poses No Threat To Public Health, Assures Rapidly-Growing Pile Of Tumours

All eyes have been cast upon Marvin Mormont, CEO of Nuka-Storage LLC, a hazardous waste disposal company based in southwestern Idaho, following a well-publicised incident last month in which one of its largest storage facilities underwent a catastrophic failure, resulting in untold millions of tonnes of both radioactive and biological waste being released into the immediate environment, most notably the Boise River, which leads directly through 3 major towns before opening into the nearby Snake River. However, today Mr Mormont has appeared publicly at a press conference, shunning his usual garb of a suit and tie for a writhing, discoloured mass of tumours which seemed to steadily increase in volume every minute or so. "I understand that many people are concerned about the ecological and economical effects of the relatively small breach at our Boise facility", the mound said, a different voice enunciating each word, none of which were Mr Mormont's, "but let me be perfectly clear; the discharge from the incident has had little to no actual impact on the health and well-being of the Idahoan peoples. May I remind you that this time of year, Face-Melting-Into-Irradiated-Mess-Disorder, or FMIIMD, is strikingly common, and the likelihood of last month's occurrence having any connection with the 734,347% increase of mass-of-tumour sightings is practically non-existent". According to Mr Mormont's schedule, the public address was indented to continue for another 20 minutes, but too many tumours blocking his mouth, as well as him swallowing several aides within his fold, unfortunately cut the event short. Whether the press conference will placate fears regarding the leak is to be seen, but we at the Spurious Chronicle believe that much of Idaho's affected population will be too occupied assimilating all nearby bio-matter for the good of The Unity to care.