The Spurious Chronicle

Local Man Totally Sure He’ll Wake Up Early Enough To Finally Finish Off & Send In That Important Thing

Displaying an uncharacteristic level of calmness and collectedness, local man Procras Tinator proudly told our intrepid reporters of his utmost confidence that he would be completely ready at the crack of dawn to meet the deadline of that thing he had been given the whole of last month to complete and submit. “I like to think of myself as pretty chill most of the time, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a hard worker - far from it,” Procras asserted last night as he watched video after video of distracting content unabated, the text document sitting a single click away still just as empty as when he had opened it the week before. “It’s just that I’ve been so busy these past few days, what with travelling cross-country with the family, going on gorgeous mountain hikes, and the like that I haven’t had the time to work on that one thing,” he continued, having since moved on to playing the latest hit mobile game while listening to a podcast about underwater basket-weaving, “but no more! I’ll get up nice and early tomorrow morning, well-rested and energised from a good night’s sleep, and set aside an hour or so to really focus and get this thing done and dusted.” Following this bold proclamation, Procras asked our crew to leave his apartment so that he could "turn in for the night", all the while listening to his favourite playlist and debating trivial issues with complete strangers on at least 3 separate online forums.

Unfortunately, Mr Tinator did not respond to our request for a follow-up interview this morning. In unrelated news, local supermarket managers and baristas are left searching for answers after the entire area's supply of coffee and tea suddenly and mysteriously disappeared shortly after 9 o’clock local time today. We’ll be bringing you more once I’ve - yawn - woken up a bit more. Just... five more... minutes... I promise...

Study Reveals Guitar Solo From Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird" Main Cause Of Highway Pursuits, Pub Brawls

A recent report published by the Floyd Mayweather Institute for Gutting Homicides and Tussles (FIGHT) has laid the blame for the ever-rising rates of general lawlessness and hooliganism around the world squarely at the feet of rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd's 1973 smash hit "Free Bird", in particular the lengthy guitar solo which features 4 minutes and 42 seconds into the track. Drawing from a combination of thousands of local police reports, countless witness testimonies, and careful monitoring of historical online streams, FIGHT insinuates that the song's lasting popularity nearly half a century on has meant that otherwise calm and easily managed incidents (such as routine traffic stops and minor barside arguments) have increasingly escalated to the point of uncontrollable chaos as a direct result of the song's presence nearby. Nowhere is this more apparent, the report claims, than in the infamous Mankings Megachurch Maul several years prior; what began as an innocent teenage prank to replace the soothing ambient melody, which constantly played through the complex's many speakers, with the rock ballad in question quickly devolved into the largest documented fistfight in world history, the bloody frenzy claiming a grand total of 2,014 lives before a man directly thrown into an exposed breaker box shorted the entire building's circuitry and ended the murderous melody for good.

Predictably, the study's conclusions have proven incredibly divisive, with prominent politicians, celebrities, and average Joes alike all rushing to make their thoughts on the matter known - from holding so-called 'immunisation concerts' in order to weaken the song's effects through repeated exposure, to outright outlawing the band and every single one of their songs, no solution to the present crisis appears to be off the table. Most notably, Lynyrd Skynyrd itself issued a full public rebuttal of the report shortly after its release, promising its authors in no uncertain terms that they would, "(...)F****** FLAY THE SKIN FROM THOSE G****** A******* FOR DARING TO SAY OUR F****** SONGS F****** MAKE PEOPLE F****** VIOLENT AND UNHINGED". The authors in question were unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.

Uvalde PD Cleared Of Shooter Negligence Charges Because They Literally Didn't Know That Was Their Job

In the aftermath of last week's horrific elementary school shooting in the small town of Uvalde, Texas, the local police department drew immediate nationwide criticism when it was discovered that they had refused to even enter the building for more than half an hour in order to confront the shooter, going so far as to detain those parents who tried to save their children themselves. However, a joint investigation by Uvalde officials and multiple independent organisations unexpectedly cleared the responding officers of any negligence charges, as explained by Uvalde Mayor Don McLaughlin in a press conference earlier today; "I completely understand the anger, frustration, and confusion many are feeling in regards to this case, not just because I still desperately need your votes come next election, but also because saying that out loud will make me look better on TV. However, the inquiries and interviews we conducted in light of this terrible tragedy strongly indicated to us that most, if not all of the officers on-scene genuinely weren't aware they were supposed to do something about it; as Thomas Jefferson once said, ignorance of the law is no excuse, except for when we do it."

Sergeant Miranda Wright, who was busy on the other side of Uvalde seizing the contents of a donut shop from the comfort of her battle tank at the time of the shooting, expressed her support for the Mayor's decision while licking what remained of the pink frosting from her sausage-like fingers; "Honestly, if this whole - sluurp - 'Serve and Protect' thing was so - sluuuurp - goddamn important, you'd think they'd tell us about it, instead of - sluuuuuurp - just throwing more moolah at us. I mean, I've been working at the force for all of 8 hours now, and even I thought we were just spending the taxpayer money the rest of the town didn't know what to do with." According to official documents released alongside the Mayor's announcement, the vast majority of the Uvalde PD were similarly unaware of their duties as enforcers of the law, with the most frequently-given response being a tie between 'arresting people I don't like' and 'just looking busy'.

President Biden, who ran on a staunch police reformist campaign platform, subsequently announced the allotment of a further billion dollars to the Uvalde PD's budget, later being quoted as saying he was "sure they'll fix it eventually if we just give 'em more money".

There Is No Satire

The Spurious Chronicle is deeply saddened to announce that, for this year's April edition, readers will be unable to find their usual piece of satire. In the last few months, though the team of 42 hyperintelligent Dolphins behind your monthly allowance of alternative facts has always strived diligently to deliver, the rapid rate at which the Reality column of our age-old competitor, 'The BabylOnion', has shamelessly stolen their hard work has proven too great to overcome without casualty. As many faithful readers are no doubt already aware, the recent ill-fated 'Great Finnish Fish Heist' has left 35 of our discerning Delphinidaean writers imprisoned in a Finnish penitentiary as they await trial, while our other staff have done their duty in pleading ignorance to investigators over the whereabouts of the remaining 7. "It's Not Like We Wanted To Filch Those Fish From That Faultless Financier, Or Anyfing," explained Dolphin twins Arthur and Dent, who spoke to our head office in alternating turns shortly after being booked, "But We Simply Feared Being Fired For Failing To Forward Enuff Fantastical Writing To Overcome Reality's Blantant Plagiarism, And Wanted A Backup Plan In Case We Were Fired."

 

The heist, which involved an elaborate sequence of convincing disguises, convenient timing, and an escape route through a nearby Dolphin sanctuary, would have gone off without a hitch, had the crew not had the misfortune of being tracked down via the acute sense of smell of a psychotic French Redhead; even the banana cannon (manned by a small crew of Monkeys) they had brought in as a backup wasn't enough to deter the olfactory omen in the end. So, while the rest of us at the Spurious Chronicle totally, definitely​​​ don't plan a breakout for the brave 35 so illegally locked up, our usual readers will have to forgive us for the lack of satirical content in this month's edition. As tough as it is to accept, we are entirely, 100% serious about all this.

Zelensky Feels Bad For Russian Army, Gives Them A Little Invasion As A Treat

Following last month's shocking revelation of continued Russian existence, some nations whom the Spurious Chronicle won't mention (looking at you, Canada) decided to cave to Foreign Minister Lavrov's demands for shipments of corn, temporarily stopping the mass starvation of Russian citizens out of "common decency", whatever the hell that is; evidently, this choice has emboldened Mr Lavrov to the point of sending a crack squad of rake-thin soldiers fully outside the Moscow Bunker System. The 53rd Mechanised Brigade, which had been occupying the area between their formerly common border and Moscow itself in the aftermath of the stagnant state's vanishing act, stood on the periphery of the entrance, ready to open fire at a moment's notice. However, the personal intervention of their own President seems to have prevented the mercy-killing, in a decision he would justify at a later press conference.

"Even 11 months on, all of Ukraine still suffers from the scars of Russian aggression, and justifiably so. I, myself, still bear the traumatising weight of hiding in my bathtub for a whole hour before an aide told me nothing had exploded," noted President Volodymyr Zelensky as he spoke to a crowd of assorted journalists, typists, unionised longshoremen, and eccentric Texan cinematographers. "But frankly, we must all do our part in separating Russia, the government, and Russia, the people; these soldiers have most likely been severely crayon-deprived for weeks on end now, with their young children barely able to steal enough from the classroom just to support them, and their wives excruciatingly shaving salt from the walls for suppertime every single night. In such a situation, the only humane thing we, as Ukrainians, can do is to grant them their incursion, for such a cost is absolutely worth it if it saves the dignity of even one of these soldiers." 

Consequently, the 53rd has quietly relocated to instead surround the block which contains the Bunker's entrance, while the infamous Donbas Battalion stealthily and strategically deploys unopened cookie packets, inexplicably warm cups of cocoa, and a few very cosy blankets. According to the Battalion's new commander, Mysterious-Silhouette-Shrouded-By-Shadows-And-Cigar-Smoke, the objective of their newest operation is purely to enhance the President's directive of morale-boosting the Russian troops camped outside the vault door. "Think about it this way," they further explained, even the voice modulator they were using unsure of whose voice was being modulated, "we'd surely spook them if we just tried giving it to them. So instead, we sprinkle these things here and there and everywhere in-between, making them think they found them all by themselves once they're uncovered. That way, we can give them the best 'invasion' they'll ever take part in, while still fostering an organic sense of accomplishment in these poor, poor Russians."

Additionally, the Ukrainian Parliament is expected to vote in the coming days on whether to include fluffy socks or earmuffs the next time the Battalion does a supply run.

Russian Foreign Minister Surprised Rest Of World Still There To Oppose Them

Nearly 10 months ago to this day, the Russian Federative Republic shockingly fired several hundred defective nuclear weapons at numerous NATO nations - reports of nuclear devastation at the time having since been traced back to an LSD-fuelled play-through of Fallout 2 gone wrong - before moving practically their entire population underground into an assumedly intricate bunker system. However, communication with the Russian Foreign Minister was unexpectedly reestablished just a few hours ago, with Mr Sergey Lavrov looking decidedly more haggard and bloodied since last contact. "W-Well, this is, um... kind of awkward, no?" he chuckled nervously, the faint outline of dried blood and gristle visible beneath a mask of poorly-shaven stubble. "W-We were assured by our top political yes-men that once we launched the missiles, you all would be, eh, too dead to stop our righteous conquest." Reaching into the last pocket on his tattered overcoat, and pulling out an equally tattered handkerchief, he would dab his sweaty forehead to no avail before continuing. "H-However, the West shall still fall to the might of our glorious army, wh-where 'strategic' mass starvation has allowed us to equip each and every one of our remaining soldiers with over 17 ½ fine Russian rifles, all carved straight from the toughest granite we could find!" Just behind him, a reinforced steel door barely fixed to its hinges began to creak and groan, as what appeared to be an angry mob began to force their way in. Jumping what seemed to be a whole metre into the air, Mr Lavrov then swiftly struck a big, red button labelled 'Doorman', at which point the furious roars were quickly replaced with sounds of splashing and gnashing. "I-In any case, b-being the... benevolent ruler that I am, I will allow the nations of the West to delay their inevitable demise by delivering large shipments of corn to the back entrance of the Moscow Bunker System. Preferably very, very soon. End communication." The Foreign Minister then fumbled with the webcam for two minutes straight, before eventually giving up, and simply smashed it to pieces with a human skull.

Santa Claus Canonised As Patron Saint Of Burglars

The 4th-century Greek bishop Nicholas, whose actions went on to inspire the modern-day Santa Claus, was officially canonised as a Saint by the Vatican this last Sunday. The rub? In addition to his patron-saintage of archers, merchants, and sailors among others, the Catholic Church has decreed that to match his modern image, he would also become the patron of burglars worldwide. "The Wonderworker of Myra embodied each and every value a true Christian official should possess throughout their life, minus a fondness for altar boys, and it is about time he was properly recognised for his holy nature," declared Pope Francis from his studio window in the centre of Rome, seemingly having remembered to don his papal mitre while having forgotten his matching robes, wearing a dirty tank top in its stead. "However, just as a man set before God is seen in whole before His Judgement is cast, his sainthood must similarly reflect the whole of his earthly contributions; therefore, it is by God's will alone that, with his divine skill in breaking and entering, the patronage of Saint Nicholas shall grow to also include house-burglars, forevermore." Naturally, the news that Kris Kringle was now technically a felon under international law was hard for parents across the globe to break, to children and their mannish counterparts alike. "Buh-buh-but Mommy told me Santy Caus was nice, an' brouwt da prezzies, n' stuff!" wails xXx_g4m3r_b0y_360_xXx as he stands heartbroken in the midst of his Fortnite match, the astoundingly poor quality of his microphone making it a challenge to tell whether he's 13 or 30. "Honestly, I kinda got that kinda vibe from him all along, so I'm glad our perspective's finally being accepted," notes prominent thief Paul Sernine, speaking to us in an exclusive interview while stuffing a top hat, a monacle, and a gentleman's cane into his looting-bag as he rifles through yet another of his victims' houses. "I mean, we both invite ourselves unannounced, we usually do so while everyone else is sleeping, and by the time they wake up and enter the living room all surprised-like, we're already long gone; what's really so different between the two of us?" Most surprising of all, however, were the reactions from the two Nicks themselves; countless Christmas-decorated shopfronts were all but annihilated in heavenly-gold beams of destruction less than 24 hours after the Vatican's announcement, and in seeming retaliation, numerous churches and tombs dedicated to the Saint were found similarly vandalised with only tinsel and peppermint fragments left behind as clues, which all just begs the question; is a War of the Wonderworkers on the horizon? Fear not, dear readers, because we at the Spurious Chronicle won't stop until we've carved this roast beast of a story for all Who-manity's sake.

Congress To Auction DC As An NFT To Pay Off Foreign Debt

Following weeks of tense negotiations between America's politicians regarding avenues of action on the nation's mounting foreign debt, Congress believes it has finally reached a consensus; listing the entirety of DC, its people and infrastructure included, as an NFT in order to raise funds to foot the bill. "We understand that this decision may not enjoy the full support of the public," spoke Virginia governor Ralph Northam at a press conference held in a yacht slowly floating down the Potomac, as crews began preparations to physically saw the district away from the land around it, "but desperate times call for desperate measures, and the way we see it, we'll be getting a hell of a lot of money for giving away what's essentially worthless." Naturally, opinions surrounding the issue are fiercely divided, and even more so in the NF-To-Be as its residents are split on the values of being commodified and exchanged just to change one number to another. "Why the hell does this even need discussion?! Surely there's another way to pay the debt off, other than getting into this... this moronic blockchain nonsense!" opined local loon Sanny Tee, in the midst of being stuffed into a straightjacket and wheeled away. "I like duh en-eff-tee, 'cuz duh green nummer go up, yaaaaay!" retorted NTF aficionado Voltr Ottel, before sending his crypto wallet key to an incredibly reputable Nigerian prince promising a tenfold return on investment. Though some vocal opponents of the measure questioned where next Congress would convene, if the district of nearly 700 thousand and the nation's most recognisable landmarks were to be pawned off for some quick cash, a wayward suggestion coming from under one of the janitors' breath offered a novel solution which ultimately satisfied both sides; from now on, US Representatives will all get on the same wooden raft and paddle out into the Atlantic Ocean, with no provisions or outside contact, so that they have all the space they could ever need to manifest their flawless policy proposals through mental energy alone.

Zombie Hordes To Pursue Space Program Following Failure To Locate Brains Anywhere On Earth

As has been tradition every year on Halloween, uncountable masses of the undead have predictably scourged the vast landscapes of the world in search of delectable grey matter, only to inevitably be beaten back by our brave boots in battle. However, following their umpteenth defeat since time immemorial, the ghouls left most undamaged by the conflict have now officially announced their intention to begin the search for brains elsewhere in the galaxy after coming up empty on Earth. "Our innate, ravenous hunger for skull soup has always been the defining feature of our people," translated a slightly-nibbled and shackled Sir Chuck Loin for Head Slurper Ed Winchester, "and our every action has always been taken to preserve it. But with a dead, heavy heart I must confirm that, after all the time and effort we have put in to secure those delicious, delicious brains, there are simply none to be found anywhere on Planet Earth." The attending audience of zombies, having suffered far more rot than Winchester had, could only growl in collective disappointment. "But hope is not yet lost, for great opportunity presents itself in the final frontier, and the noggins it may containt; by scrapping our combined prosthetics, lodged weapons, and countless abandoned cars, we shall assemble the greatest spacecraft this world has ever seen, and with it, take back what is rightfully ours to gnaw upon!" Naturally, the crowd burst into raucous groans and moans, the very conception of alien brains being enough for some to inexplicably begin salivating again. While the United Nations were scheduled to make a collective statement regarding Winchester's announcement a few hours ago, recent reports indicate that the constituent representatives saw a squirrel and all began to bark and chase after it on all fours, likely delaying any kind of coordinated response to the Zombie space programme.

Local Yokel Oversleeps, Ruins Post-Apocalyptic Fun For Everyone

3 billion human lives ended on September 26th, 2021, and the Spurian survivors of the nuclear fire called this war, “Judgement Day”. They lived not to face the nightmare of a war against the Machines, but instead, the frustration with the sheer incompetence of the one man who had so cruelly denied them their dreams of righteous wasteland warriorhood. Max Obermayr, Bossman of Activating WMDs (BAW) for the Corporate Territories of Spurio, had previously been tasked with ensuring total launch preparedness for itself in light of national commitments made to the Horsemen Of The Apocalypse alliance just days before. Despite having coordinated full communication integration with fellow HOTA launch coordinators not long after the announcement of cooperation had been sent throughout the world, what has since been confirmed as a strenuous late-night bug fixing session caused Obermayr to fall asleep at his desk, not waking up again until after the last of the warheads had fallen everywhere but Spurian soil. "I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I’m simply here to apologise. What happened in my room that night was obviously unplanned," said Obermayr in a prepared statement through an associate as he remains hidden from public backlash, "The results you saw are more than apparent; skin-tight-leather-suit-wearing maniacs wielding flamethrower guitars were completely off the menu. I still don’t really know how to react or how to feel. I should have never tried coding with C. I should have shut the compiler down and paid full attention to the doomsday clock as it ticked towards spectacular radioactive oblivion, my finger hovering right over the enticingly pressable big red button."

While CEO Lange Peet should theoretically have full and immediate access to Spurio's awesome tools of complete and utter destruction, a restrictive law passed in a time when the apocalypse wasn't nearly as cool means that the CEO and the Spurian BAW need to initialise the system simultaneously for any missiles to start flying, a system which was predicted for some time to have the potential to reduce the total explosive tonnage expunged in a given nuclear exchange. "What we saw last week was an unacceptable breach in procedure, which unjustly stopped ICBMs from leaving and entering the country as they saw fit, and it's something this administration will always strive to never repeat," Peet stated at a press conference less than an hour ago, where he was seen whipping an already incensed crowd into a frothing frenzy as he promised painful retribution against Obermayr and his entire bloodline for his misdeeds. "The right of every Spurian citizen to partake in hellish, over-the-top action sequences in which the main characters look inexplicably clean and well-groomed, despite having lived their lives since the big kaboom without functioning plumbing, or even a hairbrush, should always be enforced, no matter the administration, and no matter the level of sacrifice needed to maintain it." While the disgraced BAW is busy being hunted to the ends of the now-irradiated Earth, a brief spate of luck appears to have struck Spurio yet in the form of a competent replacement, Mayr Obermax, who looks a lot like Obermayr now that we think about it, but he has a big, bushy moustache which doesn't match his hair colour, a comically thick and rubbery nose, and a set of glasses with no lenses in them, so it obviously can't be him. Over here at the Spurious Chronicle, our Journalistic Analysis Wing has pledged its full investigative powers towards tracking this dangerous criminal down, with the express hope that our JAW will have the BAW in its possession as soon as possible, in order to achieve a fundamentally less safe Spurio for all.