The Spurious Chronicle is deeply saddened to announce that, for this year's April edition, readers will be unable to find their usual piece of satire. In the last few months, though the team of 42 hyperintelligent Dolphins behind your monthly allowance of alternative facts has always strived diligently to deliver, the rapid rate at which the Reality column of our age-old competitor, 'The BabylOnion', has shamelessly stolen their hard work has proven too great to overcome without casualty. As many faithful readers are no doubt already aware, the recent ill-fated 'Great Finnish Fish Heist' has left 35 of our discerning Delphinidaean writers imprisoned in a Finnish penitentiary as they await trial, while our other staff have done their duty in pleading ignorance to investigators over the whereabouts of the remaining 7. "It's Not Like We Wanted To Filch Those Fish From That Faultless Financier, Or Anyfing," explained Dolphin twins Arthur and Dent, who spoke to our head office in alternating turns shortly after being booked, "But We Simply Feared Being Fired For Failing To Forward Enuff Fantastical Writing To Overcome Reality's Blantant Plagiarism, And Wanted A Backup Plan In Case We Were Fired."
The heist, which involved an elaborate sequence of convincing disguises, convenient timing, and an escape route through a nearby Dolphin sanctuary, would have gone off without a hitch, had the crew not had the misfortune of being tracked down via the acute sense of smell of a psychotic French Redhead; even the banana cannon (manned by a small crew of Monkeys) they had brought in as a backup wasn't enough to deter the olfactory omen in the end. So, while the rest of us at the Spurious Chronicle totally, definitely don't plan a breakout for the brave 35 so illegally locked up, our usual readers will have to forgive us for the lack of satirical content in this month's edition. As tough as it is to accept, we are entirely, 100% serious about all this.