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June 2022

Uvalde PD Cleared Of Shooter Negligence Charges Because They Literally Didn't Know That Was Their Job

In the aftermath of last week's horrific elementary school shooting in the small town of Uvalde, Texas, the local police department drew immediate nationwide criticism when it was discovered that they had refused to even enter the building for more than half an hour in order to confront the shooter, going so far as to detain those parents who tried to save their children themselves. However, a joint investigation by Uvalde officials and multiple independent organisations unexpectedly cleared the responding officers of any negligence charges, as explained by Uvalde Mayor Don McLaughlin in a press conference earlier today; "I completely understand the anger, frustration, and confusion many are feeling in regards to this case, not just because I still desperately need your votes come next election, but also because saying that out loud will make me look better on TV. However, the inquiries and interviews we conducted in light of this terrible tragedy strongly indicated to us that most, if not all of the officers on-scene genuinely weren't aware they were supposed to do something about it; as Thomas Jefferson once said, ignorance of the law is no excuse, except for when we do it."

Sergeant Miranda Wright, who was busy on the other side of Uvalde seizing the contents of a donut shop from the comfort of her battle tank at the time of the shooting, expressed her support for the Mayor's decision while licking what remained of the pink frosting from her sausage-like fingers; "Honestly, if this whole - sluurp - 'Serve and Protect' thing was so - sluuuurp - goddamn important, you'd think they'd tell us about it, instead of - sluuuuuurp - just throwing more moolah at us. I mean, I've been working at the force for all of 8 hours now, and even I thought we were just spending the taxpayer money the rest of the town didn't know what to do with." According to official documents released alongside the Mayor's announcement, the vast majority of the Uvalde PD were similarly unaware of their duties as enforcers of the law, with the most frequently-given response being a tie between 'arresting people I don't like' and 'just looking busy'.

President Biden, who ran on a staunch police reformist campaign platform, subsequently announced the allotment of a further billion dollars to the Uvalde PD's budget, later being quoted as saying he was "sure they'll fix it eventually if we just give 'em more money".