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March 2022

Zelensky Feels Bad For Russian Army, Gives Them A Little Invasion As A Treat

Following last month's shocking revelation of continued Russian existence, some nations whom the Spurious Chronicle won't mention (looking at you, Canada) decided to cave to Foreign Minister Lavrov's demands for shipments of corn, temporarily stopping the mass starvation of Russian citizens out of "common decency", whatever the hell that is; evidently, this choice has emboldened Mr Lavrov to the point of sending a crack squad of rake-thin soldiers fully outside the Moscow Bunker System. The 53rd Mechanised Brigade, which had been occupying the area between their formerly common border and Moscow itself in the aftermath of the stagnant state's vanishing act, stood on the periphery of the entrance, ready to open fire at a moment's notice. However, the personal intervention of their own President seems to have prevented the mercy-killing, in a decision he would justify at a later press conference.

"Even 11 months on, all of Ukraine still suffers from the scars of Russian aggression, and justifiably so. I, myself, still bear the traumatising weight of hiding in my bathtub for a whole hour before an aide told me nothing had exploded," noted President Volodymyr Zelensky as he spoke to a crowd of assorted journalists, typists, unionised longshoremen, and eccentric Texan cinematographers. "But frankly, we must all do our part in separating Russia, the government, and Russia, the people; these soldiers have most likely been severely crayon-deprived for weeks on end now, with their young children barely able to steal enough from the classroom just to support them, and their wives excruciatingly shaving salt from the walls for suppertime every single night. In such a situation, the only humane thing we, as Ukrainians, can do is to grant them their incursion, for such a cost is absolutely worth it if it saves the dignity of even one of these soldiers." 

Consequently, the 53rd has quietly relocated to instead surround the block which contains the Bunker's entrance, while the infamous Donbas Battalion stealthily and strategically deploys unopened cookie packets, inexplicably warm cups of cocoa, and a few very cosy blankets. According to the Battalion's new commander, Mysterious-Silhouette-Shrouded-By-Shadows-And-Cigar-Smoke, the objective of their newest operation is purely to enhance the President's directive of morale-boosting the Russian troops camped outside the vault door. "Think about it this way," they further explained, even the voice modulator they were using unsure of whose voice was being modulated, "we'd surely spook them if we just tried giving it to them. So instead, we sprinkle these things here and there and everywhere in-between, making them think they found them all by themselves once they're uncovered. That way, we can give them the best 'invasion' they'll ever take part in, while still fostering an organic sense of accomplishment in these poor, poor Russians."

Additionally, the Ukrainian Parliament is expected to vote in the coming days on whether to include fluffy socks or earmuffs the next time the Battalion does a supply run.