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February 2022

Russian Foreign Minister Surprised Rest Of World Still There To Oppose Them

Nearly 10 months ago to this day, the Russian Federative Republic shockingly fired several hundred defective nuclear weapons at numerous NATO nations - reports of nuclear devastation at the time having since been traced back to an LSD-fuelled play-through of Fallout 2 gone wrong - before moving practically their entire population underground into an assumedly intricate bunker system. However, communication with the Russian Foreign Minister was unexpectedly reestablished just a few hours ago, with Mr Sergey Lavrov looking decidedly more haggard and bloodied since last contact. "W-Well, this is, um... kind of awkward, no?" he chuckled nervously, the faint outline of dried blood and gristle visible beneath a mask of poorly-shaven stubble. "W-We were assured by our top political yes-men that once we launched the missiles, you all would be, eh, too dead to stop our righteous conquest." Reaching into the last pocket on his tattered overcoat, and pulling out an equally tattered handkerchief, he would dab his sweaty forehead to no avail before continuing. "H-However, the West shall still fall to the might of our glorious army, wh-where 'strategic' mass starvation has allowed us to equip each and every one of our remaining soldiers with over 17 ½ fine Russian rifles, all carved straight from the toughest granite we could find!" Just behind him, a reinforced steel door barely fixed to its hinges began to creak and groan, as what appeared to be an angry mob began to force their way in. Jumping what seemed to be a whole metre into the air, Mr Lavrov then swiftly struck a big, red button labelled 'Doorman', at which point the furious roars were quickly replaced with sounds of splashing and gnashing. "I-In any case, b-being the... benevolent ruler that I am, I will allow the nations of the West to delay their inevitable demise by delivering large shipments of corn to the back entrance of the Moscow Bunker System. Preferably very, very soon. End communication." The Foreign Minister then fumbled with the webcam for two minutes straight, before eventually giving up, and simply smashed it to pieces with a human skull.