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January 2022

Santa Claus Canonised As Patron Saint Of Burglars

The 4th-century Greek bishop Nicholas, whose actions went on to inspire the modern-day Santa Claus, was officially canonised as a Saint by the Vatican this last Sunday. The rub? In addition to his patron-saintage of archers, merchants, and sailors among others, the Catholic Church has decreed that to match his modern image, he would also become the patron of burglars worldwide. "The Wonderworker of Myra embodied each and every value a true Christian official should possess throughout their life, minus a fondness for altar boys, and it is about time he was properly recognised for his holy nature," declared Pope Francis from his studio window in the centre of Rome, seemingly having remembered to don his papal mitre while having forgotten his matching robes, wearing a dirty tank top in its stead. "However, just as a man set before God is seen in whole before His Judgement is cast, his sainthood must similarly reflect the whole of his earthly contributions; therefore, it is by God's will alone that, with his divine skill in breaking and entering, the patronage of Saint Nicholas shall grow to also include house-burglars, forevermore." Naturally, the news that Kris Kringle was now technically a felon under international law was hard for parents across the globe to break, to children and their mannish counterparts alike. "Buh-buh-but Mommy told me Santy Caus was nice, an' brouwt da prezzies, n' stuff!" wails xXx_g4m3r_b0y_360_xXx as he stands heartbroken in the midst of his Fortnite match, the astoundingly poor quality of his microphone making it a challenge to tell whether he's 13 or 30. "Honestly, I kinda got that kinda vibe from him all along, so I'm glad our perspective's finally being accepted," notes prominent thief Paul Sernine, speaking to us in an exclusive interview while stuffing a top hat, a monacle, and a gentleman's cane into his looting-bag as he rifles through yet another of his victims' houses. "I mean, we both invite ourselves unannounced, we usually do so while everyone else is sleeping, and by the time they wake up and enter the living room all surprised-like, we're already long gone; what's really so different between the two of us?" Most surprising of all, however, were the reactions from the two Nicks themselves; countless Christmas-decorated shopfronts were all but annihilated in heavenly-gold beams of destruction less than 24 hours after the Vatican's announcement, and in seeming retaliation, numerous churches and tombs dedicated to the Saint were found similarly vandalised with only tinsel and peppermint fragments left behind as clues, which all just begs the question; is a War of the Wonderworkers on the horizon? Fear not, dear readers, because we at the Spurious Chronicle won't stop until we've carved this roast beast of a story for all Who-manity's sake.