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November 2021

ZombieĀ Hordes To Pursue Space Program Following FailureĀ To Locate Brains Anywhere On Earth

As has been tradition every year on Halloween, uncountable masses of the undead have predictably scourged the vast landscapes of the world in search of delectable grey matter, only to inevitably be beaten back by our brave boots in battle. However, following their umpteenth defeat since time immemorial, the ghouls left most undamaged by the conflict have now officially announced their intention to begin the search for brains elsewhere in the galaxy after coming up empty on Earth. "Our innate, ravenous hunger for skull soup has always been the defining feature of our people," translated a slightly-nibbled and shackled Sir Chuck Loin for Head Slurper Ed Winchester, "and our every action has always been taken to preserve it. But with a dead, heavy heart I must confirm that, after all the time and effort we have put in to secure those delicious, delicious brains, there are simply none to be found anywhere on Planet Earth." The attending audience of zombies, having suffered far more rot than Winchester had, could only growl in collective disappointment. "But hope is not yet lost, for great opportunity presents itself in the final frontier, and the noggins it may containt; by scrapping our combined prosthetics, lodged weapons, and countless abandoned cars, we shall assemble the greatest spacecraft this world has ever seen, and with it, take back what is rightfully ours to gnaw upon!" Naturally, the crowd burst into raucous groans and moans, the very conception of alien brains being enough for some to inexplicably begin salivating again. While the United Nations were scheduled to make a collective statement regarding Winchester's announcement a few hours ago, recent reports indicate that the constituent representatives saw a squirrel and all began to bark and chase after it on all fours, likely delaying any kind of coordinated response to the Zombie space programme.