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Joe Biden Celebrates New Speedrunning Record For Foreign Puppet Collapse

In the months following his inauguration as President of the United States of America, Joe Biden has faced heavy criticism from both foe and friend for renaging on key campaign points and alienating large swathes of his own voting base, but his latest achievement stands to blow all that away; following months of hard work of demoralising the American population, destroying the upper command of their armed force's confidence in his abilities, and power-napping after hours-long ice cream binges, President Biden has jubilantly taken pole position for speedrunning the collapse of a foreign puppet regime after withdrawing military presence from the region with a record-shattering 123 days. "Listen, man, the- uh, the- the thing is, uh, Jack, this is, uh, amazing, j-just amazing, whoever's running this great nation should, uh, get a pat on the, uh, the back, y'know?" he said when asked for comment by the Spurious Chronicle during the afterparty, before going right back to sniffing his secretary's hair.

While Biden's choice to use the Afghanistan strategy was mocked at first (as past attempts by the British and Soviet communities had always failed to establish any regime in the first place), capitulating to the country's Taliban Resistance mechanic introduced in the War On Terror patch allowed him to utilise an oft-underused phonecall exploit to prevent the puppet regime from defending against the encroaching rebel hordes, thereby ensuring that the regime collapse tag could trigger as early as possible. While most in the speedrunning community theorised that the ideal regime collapse location would be somewhere in Western Europe (due to Gerald Ford's attempt in Vietnam netting 835 days and Ronald Reagan's attempt in Lebanon netting 584 days),​​​​​ President Biden's strategetic use of his "Creepy, Dementia-Ridden Geriatric" debuff has provided the fast-growing Foreign Puppet Collapse community with several new strategies which look to shake up a long-stagnant scene with more fresh talent, ideas, and enthusiasm for the disenfranchisement of their fellow human beings for their own political gain.


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