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August 2021

World's Famous Landmarks, Major Cities To Go Into Hiding After Ominous Music Starts Playing

In a coordinated press statement conducted by NATO, CSTO, and SCO diplomats just moments ago, it was confirmed that the landmarks, cities, and geography of the world were in the process of being secured through removal and obfuscation in direct response to the foreboding music which, since its sudden appearance less than half an hour ago, has been steadily increasing in intensity as some unseen disaster likely readies itself to strike. “Plans to preserve and protect our most recognisable locations have been in place ever since 2012- the movie, mind you, not the year -and that preparation has now allowed us to act decisively and efficiently,” noted US Secretary of State Antony Blinken as he made sure his fingers were still entwined with one another. “Had we not anticipated a slow-building orchestral score coming from nowhere in particular as a sign of impending doom all those years ago, I suspect we would now be in a much worse place in terms of getting these places to safety in time.” While some landmarks were seemingly easy enough to hide away (such as the flattening of the Eiffel Tower achieved with an ACME-brand anvil, or the strategic placement of wild bicycle herds throughout Amsterdam), the very official nature of the statement has meant those still in the process of being, and even yet to be, secured are now under intense public scrutiny, especially by those living in close proximity to them. “I’m, like, not even 10 minutes away from hashtag-bigred over there,” complains cyber-pervasive vegan mocha micro-brewery owner and San Francisco native Atticus Ruby Silas Eloise, “and my hashtag-goodvibes would so totally be killed if I were too, so the fact I can still see it in the background of my post-meta-ironic polaroids is very problematic and needs changing, periodt. Hashtag-notmyapocalypse.” Perhaps most controversially of all, the New Englander and Great Lakes state governments have openly communicated their intention to simply allow whatever disaster is coming free passage through their cities, claiming that “the complete and utter annihilation of our largest metropolitan areas would likely have a net positive effect on the economy”. In order to prevent a premature beginning to the catastrophe, citizens across the world have been advised to panic as much as they physically can, since advising the opposite is almost always ironically timed, and therefore all but guarantees the appearance of some horrifying WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WH