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July 2021

UN Assembly Condemns USA For Possessing Dangerous Levels Of Freedom

The United States of America are no strangers to controversy on the world stage, a point now officially enforced on the legislative level in a condemnation statement released by the UN assembly just hours ago, its main concern being the hegemon's unabashed, uninterrupted promotion and celebration of liberty for all who seek it. "The very fact that the US has outwardly espoused the values of freedom, democracy, and prosperity, uninterrupted for nearly 250 years without thought or care towards our ironclad grip on our citizens' self-determination, should signal to this assembly its failures in successfully containing such dangerous thought", opened Zhang Jun, Permanent Representative to the United Nations of China, a nation well-renowned for its history of disregarding personal freedoms, from ethnic genocides against Tibetans and Uyghurs to the systematic elimination of dissent in Hong Kong and Tiananmen Square. "Why action against this flagrant breach of UN policy has not been taken seriously sooner eludes me," added the Saudi Arabian representative on behalf of the Middle Eastern member-nations, who pride themselves on dogmatic religious fervour dictating their national policy of sexual discrimination and the public stoning of LGBT people among others, as well as having served a cumulative 48 years on the United Nations Human Rights Council since its inception in early 2006. Though the EU and UK had prepared a joint statement on the matter as well, the address was cancelled in fear that reciting it could potentially constitute a violation of their own hate speech laws, not to mention a weapons regulation violation, seeing as opening the manilla envelope it was held in would result in unregistered possession of a knife. While the condemned state was expected to respond within regulation, the primary US ambassador simply started playing "America, F*** Yeah" on his boombox while handing out cold beers to nearby representatives, tending to the charcoal grill, and fiddling with the box of fireworks stashed beneath his desk. While the condemnation had passed unanimously (on account of the American delegation voting "yes" as well), a motion to dismiss it is reportedly already in the works, on the basis that "Jeff does a hell of a mean steak, and I'd hate to miss it if he leaves," according to an anonymous source within the assembly.