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April 2021

Russian Foreign Ministry Assures NATO Incoming ICBMs "Part Of Normal Training Exercise"

Amidst controversy surrounding Russian involvement in the ongoing Ukrainian crisis, the Russian Foreign Ministry has chosen to make a public announcement to assure NATO that the hailstorm of incoming nuclear-tipped ballistic missiles is merely part of regular training operations, and is no cause for concern. "You know how that one kid on the playground has that handful of sand, and says he's going to throw it at you, but just drops it at the last second?", asked Sergey Lavrov some 27 minutes ago, in a livestream set up within his expansive bunker network. "Yeah, it's like that, but with the threat of complete thermonuclear annihilation." Although Mr Lavrov spent most of the session alternating between picking his nose and shouting angrily into a nearby telephone, the Foreign Minister stated, in no uncertain terms, that "in the immediate future and beyond, you will find your fears and worries wiped completely off the map, so don't even bother looking at your nuclear response network. You don't even have to turn it on." Already, geopolitical theorists are forming strong opinions about this surprising change in foreign policy by the Russian Federation, such as "why are there 15 suns" and "oh god I can feel the skin melting off of my face please help please please please pl". Whether this new direction will help eradicate ongoing tensions between NATO and the Russian sphere of influence still remains to be seen, but whatever does end up happening, the results are sure to send shockwaves across the whole of the world.