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March 2021

Congress To Unveil New Spending Measure Where They Just Forget How Much They’ve Spent

Plagued by piling debts, mismanaged funding, and a sharp devaluation of the US dollar last Friday, Congress has reportedly developed a foolproof strategy to rid the nation of its financial ills, a large part of which seems to be simply forgetting they had spent the money in the first place. "Really, when you get down to it, all this money is just on paper, so if we, say, throw the paper away, then it doesn't exist, right?", said Bernie Sanders, 79, who first broke the news by accidentally calling the Spurious Chronicle instead of his granddaughter, and being none the wiser as he rambled while fruitlessly searching for the glasses atop his head. "I mean, it's not like anyone can see this stuff, right? Oh, speaking of which, I think I've got the little bastards!", he proclaimed, before diving headfirst into his laundry-basket.

His fellow Congresspeople, such as Ed Markey, 74, and Dianne Feinstein, 87, were quick to confirm this course of action in similar fashion to Congressman Sanders in subsequent statements. "A fundamental problem with the way that Congress approaches money is that too many people are remembering that we've already spent money, which limits how much aid and development we can push out. If we got rid of that, we could double, triple, er, um, er, eleven-uple the amount of funding fed to the money hole!”, commented President Biden before meandering out of his office while mumbling something about corn pop and pony soldiers. Already, economists are lining up praise for the bold solution to the budget crunch, claiming "another governmental masterstroke" and that "this literally can't go wrong". Congress is expected to vote on the issue as soon as everyone remembers when the meeting is supposed to happen.