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January 2021

It's Official; 2020 Worst Year In History, As Long You Didn't Live At Any Other Time In History

As the year of turmoil known as 2020 comes to a close, a recent polling action by a Tibetan think-tank discovered that an overwhelming 94% of the world's population believed 2020 to be one of historically unprecedented chaos, misery, and toilet-paper shortages. A subsequent expert study from the University for Asinine Retrospectives confirmed the polling to be accurate, as long as one left out practically every other year in recorded human history.

"An interesting correlation between the two sets of data was that most of the people responding did so with mass-produced, incredibly powerful computing devices which, instead of taking up a whole building of space, only took up the space of one's palm. Another point of interest we found was that this majority subgroup, while insisting 2020 was the worst year ever, also tended to enjoy freshly-made food delivered hot to their doorstep, whereupon they would enjoy it in a fully air-conditioned living-space while spending most of the day watching millions of hours of on-demand entertainment," said Khando Tenzin, lead researcher at the UAR.

"While we at the University understand that the year has been especially hard on a lot of people, we are simply pointing out that there were comparatively few instances of famine, slavery, civil war, ice ages, figuring out how to work a rotary phone, people burned for witchcraft, fighting mammoths with nothing but 14 other scantily-clad cavemen, cave-dwelling, widespread genocide and ethnic cleansing, catastrophic natural disasters, pre-modern surgery and healthcare, normalised cannibalism, child mortality, barbarian raids, having to use a physical dictionary, world wars, occupation by the Roman Empireā€¦ what was I talking about? Oh, right - most people didn't exactly experience those things this year, so I'd personally say it went pretty okay!"

"Why can't it all just be over?" said Joshua Palmer, internet enthusiast who makes more money playing his favourite games for a few hours than 20 child labourers would get for half a year's work.

"If only we could go back," opined Lexi Burton, whose piping-hot pizza arrived 2 minutes later than she anticipated.

"Screw. 20. 20." tweeted Latisha Corleone, an online dog yoga instructor whose favoured candidate won the latest presidential election.

One notable exception was a complete lunatic who was unnaturally optimistic about both the old and new year. "Good lord, I love being alive! Can't wait for more!" The lunatic, as of publishing, has been summarily detained with a 24/7 military presence to figure out what the hell is wrong with him.