Massive Radiation Leak Poses No Threat To Public Health, Assures Rapidly-Growing Pile Of Tumours

All eyes have been cast upon Marvin Mormont, CEO of Nuka-Storage LLC, a hazardous waste disposal company based in southwestern Idaho, following a well-publicised incident last month in which one of its largest storage facilities underwent a catastrophic failure, resulting in untold millions of tonnes of both radioactive and biological waste being released into the immediate environment, most notably the Boise River, which leads directly through 3 major towns before opening into the nearby Snake River. However, today Mr Mormont has appeared publicly at a press conference, shunning his usual garb of a suit and tie for a writhing, discoloured mass of tumours which seemed to steadily increase in volume every minute or so. "I understand that many people are concerned about the ecological and economical effects of the relatively small breach at our Boise facility", the mound said, a different voice enunciating each word, none of which were Mr Mormont's, "but let me be perfectly clear; the discharge from the incident has had little to no actual impact on the health and well-being of the Idahoan peoples. May I remind you that this time of year, Face-Melting-Into-Irradiated-Mess-Disorder, or FMIIMD, is strikingly common, and the likelihood of last month's occurrence having any connection with the 734,347% increase of mass-of-tumour sightings is practically non-existent". According to Mr Mormont's schedule, the public address was indented to continue for another 20 minutes, but too many tumours blocking his mouth, as well as him swallowing several aides within his fold, unfortunately cut the event short. Whether the press conference will placate fears regarding the leak is to be seen, but we at the Spurious Chronicle believe that much of Idaho's affected population will be too occupied assimilating all nearby bio-matter for the good of The Unity to care.