You'll never guess what I did last night...

(picture courtesy of Channel4)
Notting Hill. 6:00 pm sharp. I open a frosted glass door and quickly duck to avoid being knocked out by heavy camera equipment. The long corridor leading to a diner formerly known as Cafeteria is buzzing with people. My friend Martina and I are standing there, eyes wide open, and cannot believe what we've gotten ourselves into.
It all started innocently enough - an old acquaintance doing an odd job at a production company emails to ask whether Martina would we be interested in 2 VIP tickets to the recording of a new show with a celebrity chef? Sure, why not.
A week later, they ring to make sure that her guest is female. "Well, they've decided that the first night should be a Ladies' Night." Ladies? Well if that's the case, then most of the people standing in front of us either haven't read the brief ("please dress as you would if visiting any other good restaurant") or maybe they've just never ventured further than their local chip shop... all I see is a row of scantily clad girls who look like they should rather attend a screening of "What not to wear". Heavy make-up, hairdos like you wouldn't believe, cleavages good enough to feature on the front cover of Playboy and the skirts so short that it almost puts you off the food.
But we're going through with it. 20 minutes later, after filling in some forms and giving our consent to being filmed and (no guarantees!) appearing on TV, we're inside and being seen to our table. We walk past more cameras, an open kitchen which doesn't look busy at all (no smells emanating from that direction either, or maybe my nose is overwhelmed with the waves of cheap perfume), but hang on, there's Gordon! Unfortunately I have to concentrate on walking in heels over a slippery and uneven floor without falling over in front of 60 Essex girls and all those cameras...
By 6:30 we have had a glass of champagne and ample time to take in the atmosphere. We're sat right in the back, which we take to be a blessing. In the invitation it said that "the diners will be an integral part of the programme and (their) knowledge and enthusiasm for food and drink will be central to the atmosphere of the show - a lively, innovative and entertaining show with the inimitable Gordon Ramsay at the helm". Now, I wouldn't mind that, but I get nervous when the combined IQ of the rest of the audience is barely above room temperature! So we just hope that our VIP tickets mean that we get to see all the action without playing an active part in it!

6:45. Our company for the evening arrives. Now this must have been a stroke of luck, they're the only ones apart from us who do not look like cheap sluts, can keep their laughter at a reasonable volume, and they prove to be entertaining enough. The show kicks off and we get a visit from a friendly member of staff who warns us that in case Gordon comes over and asks us if we can cook, we must say that we're absolutely useless in the kitchen. Now it becomes imperative to avoid being filmed, as this could be the end of my friend's career - after all, she earns her money offering catering services to other people...
7:00. Smells of frying butter coming from the kitchen. They start serving the starter. Unfortunately, it'll be another 30 minutes before we get to eat. While we're waiting, the production team come round to say that when being asked, we should give our honest opinion of the food, even if we don't like it. How bad can it be?
7:30. A starter of pan-fried foie gras on green lentils with bacon bits. You can see that the audience is in two minds. Some love it, some are disgusted by it. Many have never had it before in their lives. I guess I can see where this is going. Do I like it? I usually do like my foie gras, and the quality of this specimen is certainly very good - it's seared to perfection, but the combination with the lentils and bacon is a let-down. Too earthy, too fatty. Nothing to lift it and cut through the fat. I definitely prefer my version with some fruit preserve (figs, apple, pineapple) and brioche. But the neighbouring table seems to enjoy it. In some unintelligible gibberish that reminds me of Eastenders they ask if they can finish what one of our dinner companions has left behind. And we're not the only table they're scavenging...
7:45. Time for some camera action. When they get to our table, they realise that my friend knows too much about food to be giving them material worth airing. On to the next table where "Fatty" is digging into what must be her 4th helping and, mouth full and all, rages on about how this is her favourite food ever - spitting lentils everywhere.
It's almost 9 o'clock when we get our main course - rack of lamb with boulangère potatoes and provençal vegetables. Sadly, I don't share our companions' opinion: the lamb tastes pretty insipid to me, the herb and crumb coating soggy, the lamb lacking taste (were they out of rosemary and garlic?), the potatoes undercooked and the vegetables drowning in balsamic vinegar. Worst of all, it's lukewarm. Well, at least there's no beating about the bush here - but when I am asked what I thought of the meal, I realise that negative feedback is clearly not something they handle well. With a "that's too sad" they're off to someone who drools over how fantastic the food is.
The rest of the meal doesn't even deserve a mention - a bread and butter pudding, recipe courtesy of Al Murray (the "Pub Landlord") who also makes an appearance, with orange peel and miniature raisins, but otherwise tasteless. But we get to shake hands with Gordon, brush past Martine McCutcheon in the toilets and we take home a bag full of food... I just wonder what all these other people are going to do faced with uncooked rice, lentils and olive oil - I guess they'll just stick with the tea bags and the chocolate!
Can't wait to see the show next week ("The F-Word", Channel 4, Thursday at 8pm), to see what they make of all the footage. I am second-guessing, but I think it'll be an Ode to Ramsay sung by a bunch of stupid women who don't own a stove or have never learnt to turn it on...

Comments

[sam]

woo hoo - great story - thank you for sharing and so funny to read it from your unimpressed perspective.
guess those girls are more interested in "turning on" a celebrity chef than an oven, eh?

[Nic]

Well, it sounds worth doing for the experience since it definately wasn't for the food. And I bet you'll have a good laugh if "Fatty" ends up on the final cut!

[Niki]

I loved reading this; and I especially loved how you didn't beat around the bush describing the other people. It sounds like I would have had a similar reaction! I only recently learned what a 'chav' is, so I can imagine what these girls would have looked like. Classic!!
But, certainly disappointing on the food front; foie gras with lentil and bacon even sounds too much, too rich in words!!

[Pille]

That sounds like an interesting evening, Johanna, and your 'unimpressed' description of it is fun to read! I can just visualise your fellow attendees:)
I'll try to watch the programme next week - thanks for the tip!

[Zabeena]

Delicious!!

[Paz]

LOL! What an evening you had! I thought that Gordon was supposed to be a perfectionist, wanting all his food to taste perfect.... Oh, well.

I wish I could watch the program here in the U.S. -- at least the episode in which you were in.

Paz

[anonymous]

You sound a bit judgemental in this post. Hope you are better with negative feedback then the tv team was. Cause it is disturbing to read such prejudices. Seriously, what do you really know about their cooking skills? You sound borderline to bitter. Maybe you take your disappointment out on them? I don't defend loud girls in mini-skirts but don't see the point in beeing mean either.

[johanna]

anonymous, I am being a bit harsh here, i do realise that. for all i know they whip up the best souffles between here and the antarktis, but they were playing along so nicely with the show theme of "can't cook, won't cook" that it looked like they weren't faking it. As to my "disappointment": I am not sure what you're referring to, I certainly don't seek the camera as everybody who knows me will certify... no bitterness here, just some "artistic" freedom, and there certainly seem to be enough people who did find it entertaining, so I rest my case.

[johanna]

paz, he IS a perfectionist and that certainly comes through when you eat at his restaurants where the food and service are incredible. I also love his cookbook "Secrets", one of my all-time favourites!

Pille, it was a great experience to see things from "behind" the curtain... I've seen some of his earlier series and it's interesteing how they get from filming to airing - can't wait to see how much ends up on TV and what twist they're giving it!

Niki, I was hesitant to post it (and promptly got negative feedback as well) - but then again, this is my personal weblog, where I express my personal opinion, and thank god I am not the prime minister whose every word is being scrutinised... so a fun evening turned into a humourous post, no harm intended.

Sam, great line. Wish I had thought of that ;-)

Nic, I can't wait to see it myself. If only I had a DVD recorder... but then again, maybe it isn't that great and I'll fret over a bad shot?! I'll have fun watching it though, let's hope it won't be too embarrassing!

[chronicler]

What fun! I love watching people so this evening would have been a blast for me! If you ever need a companion and can't find anyone else to take along, I'm just 90 minutes away!

[Paz]

I'm going to look up his cookbook!
Paz

[Jeanne]

Hi Johanna
I wasn't going to watch, but now I definitely am - would be fantastic to see a glimpse of you looking disdainful... ;-) Sounds like an interesting evening all round though.

[Moira]

Gosh, what a joke...I suppose it wouldn't make good t.v. if they didn't load the "restaurant" with simpering participants, but how ridiculous! I wonder how Gordon Ramsay would have reacted on camera to honest criticism? Thanks for writing your experience up, Johanna- do you think you'd ever do it again?

[johanna]

Moira, I do think I'd do it again... it's just such an experience seeing a great chef in action - and it's much cheaper than booking the kitchen table at the Claridges ;-)

[keiko]

Johanna, I think I saw you... for two seconds?
You should have talked to him instead of Martine!